By Josh Galligan
We’ve all laid witness to it. We’re all familiar with it. Picture this… you're at a live sporting event, immensely enjoying yourself because hey, it’s not like you get to go to these things everyday. Your favorite team is in the thick of the battle and just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, some over-excited jackass barrels over a child en route to a foul ball. Even worse, he doesn’t even seem to notice what he’s done.
While you can definitely chalk up most of this list to the wondrous effects of alcohol, others can be chalked up to plain old stupidity. Still others are a dangerous mixture of the two. What follows is an adventure exploring the 10 dumbest things fans do at sporting events. Print it out. Frame it. Study it before you go to a sporting event so you can assure you won’t go astray and commit one of these fan ‘fouls’ if you will. As always, enjoy.
10. Throwing litter and trash down to the lower deck and thinking it’s hilarious and/or throwing trash or inanimate objects onto the field or court of play.
I don’t know what it is, but mixing some people with gravity and trash is just a bad idea. It’s just too tantalizing for them to resist to otherwise think that they wouldn’t toss their trash down a couple stories and giggle with glee. On that same note, you have other people who enjoy disrupting the game for everyone and throwing trash, drinks, hell -- even batteries onto the field or even at opposing players. Luckily, the latter doesn’t happen as much as the former -- but really, they go hand in hand.
9. Going bare-chested and painted in 10 degree weather.
Out of all of the things on this list, those who have worn little to no clothes in frigid temperatures at least aren’t harming anyone but themselves. It’s sports fanaticism and stupidity at it’s finest, all rolled into one. Some of the fans who go bare-chested also tend to be a bit on the hefty side and I don’t care what color your painted, there’s not many people on this planet who would enjoy looking at a hairy, blue, beer belly for three straight hours.
8. Yelling completely unoriginal and baseless taunts at opposing players.
Okay, now don’t get me wrong -- I’m not against yelling things at opposing players, especially if their wearing a Yankees uniform. But even I have to admit that some of the people who try and do this just don’t put any thought at all into it. “Hey Damon, YOU SUCK ASS!” Really? What does that even mean exactly? I get that it’s a form of “You suck” but I’ve never quite gotten how sucking ass is any worse than just saying something along the lines of “You suck at life!”. Although, I guess I wouldn’t want to suck an actual ass… but uh, yeah, I’ll stop now. Anyway, if you're going to taunt opposing players, at least make it funny or witty or thoughtful… like using the words 'Joba' and 'refrigerator' in the same sentence!
7. Explaining that you're too cool to do the wave.
This actually could turn into a whole larger topic, but the gist of it is is that you always have those people who think they’re too cool for school and that doing something as American and harmless as the wave will somehow decrement their reputation. “Nah bro, I ain’t doing no wave.” Oh, I see -- you must think that the vixen over in section C is watching your every move and basing whether or not she wants to bear your children on how you respond to this wave business? Got it.
6. As a group, simultaneously wearing the same color.
This, I’ve just never understood. I don’t think there has ever been a documented case of this actually helping the home team either. Sure, the dark uniformed away team might be a tad disoriented at first -- but isn’t the real issue here that an entire city is acting like lemmings in what really isn't going do anything? Although it must be really, really awkward if you forgot about the whole thing and were the only one for rows and rows that was wearing navy blue as opposed to white… I wouldn’t want to be that guy.
5. Taunting kids because of the hat, clothes, paraphernalia they are sporting.
True story. Me and my dad are at a Boston college football game a dozen or so years ago. I was, I believe about ten years old and I really, really loved the Florida Gators football team. So, I owned a Florida Gators football shirt and even though I broke the next rule by doing so, I wore it to the Boston College game (I was 10! Gimme a break!). Anyway, it was near halftime and I ventured out into the depths of the stadium to score a Reese’s Pieces sundae cup (absolutely delicious by the way, I had good taste -- even back then!). So there I was, minding my own business and hoping that I wouldn’t have to settle for a Reese’s Cup sundae cup (big difference) when I saw up ahead some guy kind of looking at me funny. I didn’t think too much of it, other than deciding not to go the bathroom for a while, until I noticed him glaring at me as he walked by. Then, no lie, he bellowed: “HEY KID, FLORIDA SUCKS!” He was legitimately incensed with anger. Never before and never since then has my jaw just dropped open of its own accord like it did -- I was absolutely stunned. I managed to say something along the lines of “Uh… okay” then proceeded to jet tail it to the ice cream cart and then back to my seats.
It’s amazed me ever since… I’ve since chalked it up to the fact that he must have been absolutely shit faced and/or had a horrible, horrible experience with Florida somehow. If you're that guy and you happen to be reading this, you sir, are the definition of an asshole. Story aside, taunting adults is fine, but leave the kids alone.
I actually considered putting this at number one, but decided it wasn’t a true number one -- only my own number one because it’s a pet peeve of sorts. Yes, I broke this rule in the previous rule’s story but again, I was ten. It didn’t count. What I don’t get is how you have some full grown adults wearing a Heat jersey to a Nuggets game, a Chiefs jersey to a Jets game and sometimes, as baffling as it is, something like an Orioles jersey to a Bruins game. Yes, I get that sometimes people like to show support for their favorite teams, but what these people need to realize is that unless you want to be looked at like you have an extremely contagious disease, to bust out the favorite jerseys only when that team will actually be present.
3. Streaking onto the field.
If there was ever a thing that has probably never, ever been done sober, this is it. Most of the people who streak on the field, or even just run on the field for that matter have that goofy, boozy grin on their face that just shouts: “I’ve had seven too many!” To the best of my knowledge, although I’m sure it has happened, there hasn’t been many basketball streakers. Maybe it’s just way too stuffy in those buildings. The only way I could imagine someone streaking onto a field sober is if they were being awarded a vast some of money by their buddies. But then again, that would never happen -- because as we all know, most buddies will promise the money, but then proceed to bust a gut laughing as you get arrested for the prospect of fake money.
2. Making enormous signs so no one behind you can see (that also more often than not, fail to be funny).
Out of all of the Top 10, those who commit this idiotic move have absolutely no regard for anyone but themselves. It has to occur to them that they’re going to be obstructing many other fans’ views, but that doesn’t stop them from making the biggest, damn sign you’ve seen since your 7th grade science fair. Not to mention, 95% of the time, what’s actually on the sign is just not funny at all. At least not in the sense it was meant to be funny, more of a laughing at you than with you type deal. Although if you desperately need to get on TV, make one saying it’s your birthday and compliment one or both of the hometown announcers. Works every time.
1. Manhandling young children in order to score a foul ball or home run.
Most of us have experienced, at least partially that split second when you realize the baseball is coming in your direction. And it’s getting closer and closer. Maybe you're like me and daydreamed a few times about catching a zipping foul ball and being applauded by everyone around you. That’s normal and it’s also normal to everything you can to try and get said foul ball or home run. What’s not normal is having no consideration for the flock of children around you attempting to get that ball as well, and flinging them aside and knocking them down in order to fulfill your childhood dream. I hereby suggest a rule that anyone who is guilty of this get thrown out of the game immediately and be forced to keep that ball as a never ending reminder that they are not just a dumb ass, but a horrible, horrible person as well.
A special thanks to the Mrs. for helping come up with the idea for the article (See? I told you I'd put it in here!)
Think I forgot some? I’m sure I did… leave 'em in the comments.