ArmchairGM Wiki

ArmchairGM Burns: Returns

By: Nate Gordon

Okay first off, I know, and I’m sorry. I know that you can’t really have an article series if you don’t continue to post articles; and I’m sorry because I had bigger things happening that were out of my control. My best friend Matt is going to be a senior at UCSB next year and he wanted to be able to make a serious impact on the school before he left (as if his self-started Rec Sports News publication wasn’t enough) and decided to run for student government. (It’s the most effective of all the US governments.) Well, being the smart guy that he is, he used his own publication to publish opinion articles asking for votes. The university disqualified him from the election and made all write-in votes for him null and void. So we spent the better part of a week that was already chaotic putting together the newsletter, dealing with Matt’s possible removal from school and the folding of the newsletter. Lighter penalties were set forth, nonetheless the week sucked. But here I am ready to sink my teeth into some stuff and burn…

The 8 Seeds Pulled a “Face Off”

The Hawks are at 2-2 with Boston

Do you guys (who are 20+) remember “Face Off” where Nick Cage and John Trovolta switched faces and all that good movie drama? Well It seems like the 8 seeds in the Eastern and Western conferences also pulled a “Face Off” in their first round series. The Denver Nuggets were played off of the court in Los Angeles by the Los Angeles Lakers, only to return to Denver and be outclassed in game 3 so badly that George Karl looked like he was spending second half timeouts to plan his vacation. All while Carmelo Anthony stared holes through his head coach and barked at him to “Get up and do something” several times. The Nuggets took there medicine last night and the Lakers swept them in four games.

Meanwhile, the Atlanta Hawks were similarly outplayed in games one and two by the Boston Celtics. However, when they came home to Atlanta, the kids rallied around hometown hero Josh Smith and franchise guard Joe Johnson to take games three and four, evening the series. The Hawks showed grit and fire in game three, never letting the Celtics sniff the lead in the second half. The fourth quarter became the Josh Smith Show, as he drained three pointers and slammed home “Sportscenter” dunks. At one point, he became so flamboyant that Celtics captain Paul Pierce took exception, approaching the Hawks bench and throwing what looked to me from the 52” Vizzo to be an “Inglewood Bloods” gang symbol. Brian “B-Scal” Scalabrine quickly corralled Pierce and escorted him back to the visitors bench, but the damaged had already been done. Pierce was levied a $25,000 fine for the gesture. He also added fuel to the Hawks' fire as they came out even more aggressive in game 4, which also featured and altercation; only this time, it was between Kevin Garnett and Zaza Pachulia.

I don’t think the series will make it past six games, but I am excited to see a team that we all agreed had no business in the playoffs fight for their right and their respect. While the Nuggets treated the playoffs like four extra games delaying their trips to Vegas and the Caribbean.

I Hate ESPN As Much As The Next Guy

ESPN is just 4 dumb letters

Show of hands: Who hates something about ESPN? It can be anything, just something. Good, I can see through my computer monitor that clearly everyone who is, has, or ever will read this is raising their hands. Good. Now, everyone who has ever hated something about something else raise your hand. It can be anything. I can see once again that everyone has raised their hands. So, I don’t see someone make a lockerroom post every time something they hate comes about. However, if it is about ESPN, then the post come a posting. It’s annoying. We know that ESPN does a crappy job on a lot of things. They are the ever-expanding Entertainment and Sports Programming Network, they attempt to reach all corners. That means, naturally, they won’t be good at a lot of things, but rather mediocre. So just relax and let some of this shit go, because frankly, I don’t want to have to see it.

Roger Clemens

I don’t care, neither should you. Let’s just let the guy who is an outstanding baseball player and crappy person slither away in the infamous crack in the wall he deserves to be in. What do you say?

The Third Degree: Walker’s Rants Style

I gotta admit that the format for Walker’s Rants annoys me. I always want 2 or 3 more sentences of rant for each one. It gets under my skin. So I figure the sincerest form of admiration is imitation, so here is a small parody of Walker’s Rants:

NFL Draft experts predict for months that Oakland will take Run DMC, then trash them for it. Pick a position…

The Denver Nuggets are quitters…

There is an itch on one of my butt cheeks; but not the other butt cheek. You guess which one itches…

An all English UEFA Champions League final makes me kind of sick to my stomach…

I’m a huge fan of Armchair Weekend in Review…

Handle your biz-ness Manny Stiles, and do it promptly…

“The Office” Quotes

  • Oscar: You know Michael, just because you say the word “bankruptcy” that doesn’t do anything.

Michael: I didn’t “say” bankruptcy Oscar – I declared it.

  • Jim: Because right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
  • Michael: This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple years ago
  • Michael: I learned improv from the greats, like Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.
  • Jim: My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up. [ takes a deep breath, shakes head ]

Jim: He is very real. [ sighs ]

Mr. Burns – AGM Burns Mascot