ArmchairGM Wiki

The ArmchairGM Burns: Start Of Summer

By: Nate Gordon

The Burns have been chillin on the sidelines like Lamar Odom in the fourth quarter. Like Eddie House, the Burns have been posted on the bench since the second week of April. But there are several legitimate reasons as to why the infamous article series took a hiatus. Mostly it has to do with my life leaving only enough time to leave comments and feedback on AGM articles. However, it also has to do with lack of quality content. The series is based on my emotional and bias responses to the “news of sports” and more specifically the news and happenings around Armchair. With the activity down and a lack of content on a daily basis to fill an article with the Burns took a backseat. But now they are back, so strap on your strap on Big Pup and let Falcon know there is a “Code Blue” because the Burns are back like Doug Collins in Chicago… oh ya, about that…

John Paxson and the GM-Two Step

The “GM Two-Step” is my affectionate title for the moves GMs make to appease a fanbase (see Ned Colletti signs Andruw Jones) but the move actually sets the franchise backward. John Paxson is to be nice a complete and total wild card as a General Manager, and the Two-Step is one of his go to moves. Need low post scoring? He’ll sign Ben Wallace. Need a point guard with unbreakable confidence? He’ll deliver Kirk Hinrich. Need a coach that will take your young roster to it’s full potential? He announces Doug Collins. Every time I wonder why the hell Doug Collins is still on TV, I thank god that he isn’t on a bench coaching. Collins is like Riley in the sense that he is self-serving and wants all situations to play to his liking. Problem is for Collins is that he is no Pat Riley. Fortunately for Bulls fans 2 days later the apparent done deal with Collins had fallen through and it now looks like Vinny Del Negro will be the lead man in Chi-Town.

Colin Cowherd and most sports pundits are chowder heads.

Sports Pundits: The Only One Making A Big Deal Out Of Pierce – Is You

Attention: Colin Cowherd, Skip Bayless, Bill Plaschke and the numerous other “shat-for-brains” columnist. You guys only make yourselves look like fools when you take half and whole hours at a time going over this point: Paul Pierce’s injury wasn’t a Willis Reed incident and everyone who is saying it was is out of line. Guess what professors – You’re the only ones saying it! The technique of Sports Pundits arguing a point that NO ONE ELSE is arguing has now gone beyond inane. Leave it to the bottom feeders of sports commentary to drudge up such a non issue. Did the reaction of the crowd spark up feelings reminiscent of Reed playing on a torn thigh? Of course, but only Mike Breen jumped to the Reed connection; and that might of only been because a producer was yelling in his ear to bring it up. So hopefully the douche-parade will be on to the drama of game 2 by Monday morning.

The Dodgers

Hurray for Mediocre Mention…

The Third Degree: Soccer

With the European Championships kicking off in Geneva and I think Basel the summer soccer season is under full swing. The “Euros” are a crapshoot of a tournament in which the two best teams never meet in the final and there is a new winner each time the tournament is held. In other words, it’s a tournament in the purest sense of the word. Meanwhile the US National team will finish their pre-World Cup Qualifying against Argentina tomorrow at Giants Stadium. The American’s projected line up in a 4-5-1 formation as follows: GK: Tim Howard, RB: Steve Cherundolo CBs: Oguchi Onyewu, Jay DeMerit, LB: Frankie Hejduk RM: Clint Dempsey, CMs: Maurice Edu, Pablo Masteroni/Michael Bradley (don’t expect to see Bradley due to fatigue) LM: DeMarcus Beasley. AM: Landon Donovan FW: Eddie Johnson.

The wrap on Eddie Johnson: he is a freak athlete who used his superior speed and athletic ability to outrun and juke defenders in MLS and against weak international opposition. However, against the true footballing nations of the world Eddie Johnson is a also-ran with no shot. The man has a wet noodle at the end of each ankle and the look in his eyes is of a kid who was a great eighth grade player but has met his match in High School.

Cartoon Quotes

  • Chef : Hello there, children!

Stan : Chef! What would a priest want to stick in my butt! Chef : ...G'bye!

  • Eric Cartman : [ Cartman is on an anthropological dig with the rest of the class ] [ singing ] Eric Cartman : Days never endin', massa got me workin', someday massa set me free!
  • Fry : I'm never gonna get used to the 31st century. Caffeinated bacon? Baconated grapefruit? Admiral Crunch?

Leela : Well, if you don't like that, try some Archduke Chocula.

Mr. Burns – AGM Burns Mascot