Plain. Unadorned. The 7 most stupidest team names in the four major professional sports (college and other sports is for other lists another time).

  • Note - Let's make it clear, my criteria for the selections provided is my own proprietary blend of objectively viewing the topic, carefully prepared, mostly unbiased opinion and extraordinary listmaking skills. I'm a little apprehensive about posting these here since the debates seem to be about the author and his methods instead of the content and topic but I'll give it one more try.

Just missing the list (no particular order because they are all most stupidest too):
Toronto Raptors
Houston Texans
Montreal Canadiens
New Jersey Devils
Memphis Grizzlies
Nashville Predators
Calgary Flames

7. Philadelphia Phillies - For all the crap people gave their 2008 World Series counterparts, the Devil Rays for having a stupid name, how do the Phillies get a pass? A least someone can tell you what a Devil Ray is. What the hell is a Phillie? I know what a filly (female horse) is, what a Philly (cheesesteak) is and what a Phil (manbreasted golfer) is. Is the team named after a cigar or what? The other thing that bothers me about the team name is the city and the name each start with the same 4 letters (P-H-I-L) - unique among all sports team names, but I'm not that huge a fan of alliteration so it is incredibly most stupidest.

6. Utah Jazz - Yeah, yeah. I 'get' that they moved from New Orleans. The fact that Jazz and Utah go together like toothpaste and orange juice is not the issue either. I can't help but think the Jazz and New Orleans Hornets (also a relocated team) should do the right thing and switch team names and mascots. Let Nawlins have it's Jazz back and Utah is the Beehive State, duh.

5. Carolina Hurricanes - Face it, Carolina has the worst team names across the board. Bobcats? Stupid because it came from the owner's name (Bob) but also because bobcats just scream basketball greatness, don't they? That's sarcasm, by the way. The Carolina Panthers is also most dumbest because they came into the NFL at the same time as the Jaguars. We REALLY needed two more big cats to represent the NFL? I can't imagine what hideous name they'd come up for a MLB team. I'm shuddering thinking about it. Anyway, Hurricanes takes the cake here. With so many wonderful and marvelous things to see and do in the Carolinas the best they could come up with was Hurricanes? Is it because there's such a rich tradition of Hurricanes in North Carolina? Please. They should have just left them to be the Whalers so they could explain away a stupid team name with the old standby: "relocation". I'm sure the P.C. crowd twisted arms to kill the Whalers name anyway.

4. Arizona Cardinals - So I did a little research and it seems that there are cardinals in Arizona during certain parts of the year. That's not the problem. The true problem lies in the simple fact that the team was named after the color "cardinal red" and NOT the bird. They used to wear cardinal colored socks (at the same time the Pottsville Maroons wore - get this - maroon colored socks). So somewhere along the line of history some wise ass got the story mixed up and decided to steal a great baseball team name and honor his rugged football players with the spirit of a ferociously tough, berry eating bird. Most stupidest indeed.

3. Anaheim Ducks - Yes, I know Disney had their hand in this fiasco, but they sold the team (along with the rights to what's left of Emilio Estevez's flacid career). Dropping the "Mighty" was absolutely a step in the right direction. They should have changed the whole deal. And what is with people suddenly being proud of Anaheim lately? Southern Cali has a lot of bad team names due to relocation (what do the Dodgers dodge in L.A.? Bullets? What lake do the Lakers call home, Hollywood resevoir?) but the Ducks top 'em all in the category of most stupidest.

2. Buffalo Bills - Tell me what a Bill is. I'm waiting. It's not the city's fault it was improperly named; it should be American Bison, New York. And there was a guy in the Old West during the 1800's nicknamed "Buffalo" Bill Cody but he was born in Iowa Territory and died in Denver, so why would they make a tribute to him with a football team in New York? They've been around longer than Jame Gumb, so that can't be a reasonable explanation either. Is it a tribute to the dirty deed of paying the bills? I don't get it. It's not only confusing and misleading; it doesn't make any damned sense at all.


1. Orlando Magic - It's one thing for Disney to usurp an NHL team it owns but the big Corporate Mouse never owned a basketball team. Yet the Orlando franchise gave away its name to Disney anyway. Unless the team is secretly named in honor of Magic Johnson or maybe there is a large contingency of working magicians in the area I'm unaware of, this name is horrible. Did you know that Orlando was almost called the "Heat"? Then again, they were almost called the Orlando Juice, too. Ugh. Plus, magic doesn't end in "s" which is pretty annoying and creates all kinds of grammar issues. It's too bad this mostest stupidest name will probably stick around for a long, long time. It must be magic!

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