ArmchairGM Wiki

New York Yankees at Tampa Bay Rays, Top of the 2nd Inning

Chris Berman: Alex Rodriguez hits this one back back back back back back back back back back back gone!

Joe Morgan: Chris, I really like how you repeat yourself so many times. It's really a trait of a great two-time MVP, Hall of Fame broadcaster like myself, for instance. I like to repeat myself. I know so much more than our listeners about baseball, because I've had so much success playing it that I'm afraid they won't understand what I'm saying the first time, so I repeat myself. That way, if there's any confusion, hopefully they'll understand when I repeat myself a second time. But, just in case, I usually rephrase the same sentence a third, fourth, and fifth time. That way people can understand what I'm saying since I've repeated myself.

CB: Joe, you're truly a special talent, and I only wish you had as much skill in talking about irrelevant aspects of the game to the point where you could have a nickname, too. The call me Boomer, you know.

JM: I don't really need a nickname because I'm Joe Morgan. I'm like the best player to have ever played baseball, except Derek Jeter, of course. I love Derek Jeter. As good as I was when I played, I think Derek Jeter is such a gentleman on the field. When I watch him play, it really makes my heart race. It reminds me of my two-time MVP, Hall of Fame career. Derek and I have so much in common; we're two of a kind. We'd make a great couple...

CB: Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooa!

JM: What!? That was just a ball. A ball's not very exciting. You can't do much with just one ball. It's too early in the count for strategy to come into play. Honestly, I know nothing about baseball strategy, I won two MVPs because I was just that good at baseball. Still, I know that a ball isn't significant. Two balls would be different. You can do a lot with two balls. Derek Jeter hits home runs with two balls. 'Cause Derek Jeter...

CB: Actually I just got excited because that pigeon just crapped on that fan's head.

JM: Oh. You really get excited about everything, don't you Chris!? That's good, I like to hear a guy get excited. When Derek Jeter gets excited, he hits hard. People should be excited. Baseball is always exciting. It's probably the most exciting sport on ESPN. It's more exciting than...

CB: No, it's not! The NFL Draft is the most exciting sport on ESPN. If it wasn't, why else would I sit in there for ten hours straight talking nothing but hypothetical situations, Joe?

JM: You told me you do it because they give you the pick before it's announced so you can tip it to the audience and they'll actually think you know something about sports...

CB: That's not true at all! I really did think the Miami Dolphins would take Ted Ginn Jr., even though it made no sense.

JM: Wow, you do know a lot! I don't know who Ted Ginn Jr. is!? I don't even know who the Miami Dolphins are!? Are they in Double-A? Because I never played in Double-A. I was too good for Double-A. I was in Triple-A before I graduated from high school, which is partly why I never did graduate from high school, the other part...

CB: Oh, that's a moooooooooon ball! Back, back, back, back, back, back, back...Posada's back to the screen and that one's gonna be out of play.

JM: Chris, I've noticed you keep cutting me off. It's kind of frustrating because I have so much to talk about with my vast knowledge of baseball. After all, I know a lot since I won two-MVPs and was elected into the Hall of Fame. You shouldn't cut me off because it deprives our listeners of so much valuable information about the game of baseball. When I broadcast with Jon, he understands that, and never cuts me off. Jon's a great guy, he's the only guy that seems to like me.

CB: ...That's the truth... I'm sorry Joe, I just like the sound of my own voice.

JM: That's ok, Chris. I can understand that. I really like listening to my own voice, too. We make a good pair, don't you think? I mean we have a lot in common. You don't know anything about sports; I don't even know the names of any sports other than baseball. We both like talking a lot, especially irrelevant banter, because it really helps us avoid the live action of the game.

CB: Oh crap! The game!! We should have gone to commercial a long time ago. No time for that now. It's time for my favorite part of the game, other than when I'm talking, let's go down to the field for Erin Andrews.

Erin Andrews: Thanks Boom! I met up with Alex Rodriguez today, before the game, in his hotel room. He told me that he really likes blondes and that I remind him of his wife. He also said that he gets really lonely on these roadtrips and tries to meet blondes that look like his wife. He went on to tell me that he loves what I do on ESPN. I didn't know what I do, so I asked him. And he told me that he didn't really know and he was just trying to be nice since he was attracted to me. I teared up, which got mascara in my eye and made me cry. He tossed me his wallet so I could get a $100 to wipe it out, but I couldn't see the wallet well and it hit me in the head and knocked me out... Boom.

CB: Thanks Erin. Interesting, I didn't know Alex Rodriguez carried that much money on him.

EA: He doesn't, it was just his $100,000 daily allowance. He gave me $10,000 for the coming in his hotel room, so I promised I wouldn't tell anyone that I gave him room service reporting, and I won't of course.

CB: Um, we're broadcasting live nationally right now, so I think people know now, assuming there are viewers without the TV on Mute. I hope you didn't blow it all on beauty products, so you can give it back to him.

EA: Darn, too late! Do you think he'll take an I-O-U?

JM: You could just give him a couple bucks. The thing I've learned about A-Rod is that he really doesn't know the difference in amounts of money less than $1 million. I once gave him a roll of quarters to pay for a 30-minute parking in New York. He didn't know what a quarter was and thought I was talking about basketball. I didn't know what basketball was and asked if he meant baseball. He told me, no and not to worry about parking, that the parking attendant would leave an envelope on his windshield for the amount he owed. I'm pretty sure he didn't understand he was getting a parking ticket, but I'm not sure if he would have cared, he has a lot of money. The Yankees pay him a lot for his performance in April through...

CB: Joe, I'd like to remind you that I'm the host here. I always am because when I can't analyze the game, which I always, I can let other people talk. And, as the host, we don't cut off Erin Andrews until I say so. She talks to me; other girls don't. You notice how she calls me "Boom." If I was 30 pounds lighter and 30 years younger, I'd give her a little "Boom-Boom."

JM: To be honest, I think she only talks to you because she gets paid to do so.

CB: So what!? She gets paid to everything. Anyway, we've been talking the whole game. The Yankees are down to their last out here and it'll take something from Derek Jeter.

JM: Oh boy! Derek Jeter, you just know he's gonna come in here and hit a home run. Can I borrow the binoculars? I want to see Derek up close in his tight pinstripes. I love watching him move around in those pants, because he looks so good, like a real baseball player, like me. That's why we go so well together, because we're both baseball players. Come on, Chris, pass me the binoculars. Chris!?

CB: Just a minute, Joe!

JM: Wait, why are your pants off?

CB: I'm tyring to find Erin Andrews again. Why are your pants off?

JM: Because last time Derek Jeter hit a home run, I got too excited and "Pop," the button came out of my pants.

CB: Look! Here's your binoculars! And, here's the pitch, strike three looking, the Yankees get swept by the Rays again. Joe, any analysis on this game...Joe! Put yourself together, you big sissy.

JM [crying]: I...I...I forgive you Derek. It's ok, you can't hit everytime. Look at me [whimpering], I only hit .271 in my career and still got into the Hall of Fame on the first ballot. I still love you, Derek...

CB: Joe, if I can cut you off one more time. The producer says he's wanted to go to commercial seven innings ago, and he looks really pissed.


Please check out my blog at