Well, well, well…Look who’s back, bitches! I know all you all are just so elated to see my presence back in the LastRow that everybody’s pissing and soiling themselves! Completely understandable, however for my safety as well as others try to keep your bodily functions under control...I know it's hard, but please try your damndest!
Now, I bet all of you, (the five clowns who read my spits & spats) have been wondering where I’ve been for the past two months or so. And I appreciate that nobody sent out an amber alert on my ass…Really, you guys are swell! Well, as for my hiatus, I can’t tell you much about it for fear the Donut Pounders might be on to me at some point…You know the ones who love to "Protect & Serve all the Dunkin Donuts/Donut Shops across this great country". You know the same ones who love to scout out the local Denny’s at three in the morning to see who would be the "Nightly Award Winner to Ride in the Backseat of Their Ride"…Yeah, them guys!
What I can tell you is my David Copperfield act involved a knee replacement. Now, did I have knee replacement surgery? Um, the words…No Way Jose come to mind! Actually, it didn’t have nothing to do with me…Well, so to speak! Let’s just say I had some unfinished business to tend to and needed to make like a groundhog and go underground for a while! And we’ll leave it at that…Wouldn’t want peeps to get the wrong idea or worse, get harmed!
During my days underground weren’t spent twiddling my thumbs…It was more like sitting on my ass! Although I’ll have you know that I have a whole new appreciation for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles…Living in the finest sewers that this country has to offer. I’m just glad I can finally get off that damn pizza diet! It’s more than that though, while I was down there, I began to realize what it’s like to walk in the shoes of one Mel Kiper Jr., (although, I must say Mel couldn’t handle the underground world, where the shoes are all wet). All alone, working by yourself in cold, dark working conditions, studying film of what’s about to transpire…I can honestly say I have a new outlook on what MKJR does! It’s not as easy as just going into hibernation and then suddenly appearing with an annual draft report of who took the biggest shit at the combine and who has the longest toenails, and which prospects can run in a straight line for 4.3 seconds. No, no…It’s more than that! If it was just that, why everybody would be collaborating their own "Mock Draft"…Oh wait, they are!
Is it just me here, but does anybody see a correlation between mock drafts and the most ridiculous shit one can think of? Like the notion that if I ate spinach I’d get all big and strong like Barry Bonds, no excuse me, I mean, Roger Clemens, D’OH, I meant Popeye. Or how about the "Safety Instructions" in every seat-back pocket on every commercial airplane is a safety card. Have you ever read it completely? I am not even sure the airline has read it. At the very beginning is a note that reads, "If you cannot read or see this properly, please ask for assistance." Why print this instruction at all? If I can’t read it, then how would I know to ask? Similarly, many flight attendants say this while making the safety announcement: "If you can not hear this announcement, please ask for assistance for clarification." I suppose airlines are bound by law to do this, but again, is it just me or if you have to employ these "procedures" on a flight, chances are there’s more bigger issues at hand! What’s the use?
See, every single SOB these days has their own mock draft(s). But why are these becoming like ass holes? Good question, it’s like why do baseball players make themselves human pin cushions, injecting themselves with "Power Juices"…Come on fellas, it shrinks your "baseballs". Let’s be real here, outside the 31 teams who actually compose them for their own personal use throughout the two day "Roger Goddell Telethon"…To Joe Six Pack, all these damn things are nothing more than what Candy "the Stripper" is down at "Beavers" where "Beaver Fever Spreads Faster Than an Uncontrollable Smokey the Bear Wild Fire"! Simply put, Candy gets poor Joe foaming at the mouth, (and in other places) gets her hustle on, then poor ole Joe goes home with Rosie and her five sisters and broke!
Same goes with mock drafts…Gets fans all worked up about taking a "can’t miss prospect", but instead they go for a glorified kick returner. Isn’t that right Miami Dolphin sfans. If one really thinks about, all mock drafts do is make dumbasses out to be bigger dumbasses…Do these "can’t miss" names ring a bell:
Ryan Leaf, Tony Mandarich, Brian Bosworth, Akili Smith, Lawrence Phillips, Heath Shuler, Dan McGwire, Bruce Pickens, Andre Ware, the Penn State Three Musketeers Blair Thomas, Ki-Jana Carter, Curtis Enis, not to be out done by the USC Fearsome Foursome of Todd Marinovich, Mike Williams Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart
Awesome…Simply Awesome!
While I nauseate at these mock drafts, during my time away, I had to do something besides pick my ass! And I figured if Todd McShay complied…I figured hell, it can’t be that difficult…Besides, I too have an ass hole! Seeing as he has about as much knowledge and use as a Betamax video-recorder
So without further adieu, here’s how my mock draft goes…And from what the eye can see, there’s talent all throughout the first round!
1.) Superman – Miami Dolphins
2.) Mickey Mouse – Saint Louis Rams
3.) Donald Duck – Atlanta Falcons
4.) Spiderman – Oakland Raiders
5.) Tom or Jerry…(Yes, I say "OR" damn it!) – Kansas City Chiefs
6.) The Phantom – New York Jets
7.) Pinocchio– New England Patriots (Lets just say, it fits…Nuff Said!)
8.) Batman…(Sorry, Robin was a hot prospect of the Arena League) – Baltimore Ravens
9.) Tweety – Cincinnati Bengals
10.) Garfield... (Odie was hanging with Michael Vick too much) – New Orleans Saints
11.) Elmer Fudd – Buffalo Bills
12.) Fred Flintstone/Barney Rubble…(Pick your poison here) – Denver Broncos
13.) Daffy Duck – Carolina Panthers
14.) Porky Pig – Chicago Bears
15.) Boo Boo Bear (Yogi doesn’t like Matt Millian) – Detroit Lions
16.) Pepé Le Pew – Arizona Cardinals
17.) Popeye - Minnesota Vikings
18.) Bugs Bunny - Houston Texans
19.) Peppermint Patty -Philadelphia Eagles
20.) Charlie Brown - Tampa Bay Buccaneers
21.) Woodstock- Washington Redskins
22.) Betty Boop -Dallas Cowboys
23.) Top Cat - Pittsburgh Steelers
24.) George of the Jungle – Tennessee Titans
25.) Mighty Mouse – Seattle Seahawks
26.) SpongeBob SquarePants – Jacksonville Jaguars
27.) Speed Racer – San Diego Chargers
28.) Snoopy – Dallas Cowboys
29.) Goofy - San Francisco 49ers
30.) Linus Van Pelt - Green Bay Packers
31.) Mr. Irrelevant - New York Giants
Does your draft board look like mine?