Article:20080612 Manny Stiles' Sportsune Cookie

Intro:

Welcome to Manny Stiles ' Daily Weekday Column:

"Sportsune Cookie" – The shortest 3,079 word daily column you'll read today.



Your head should serve a better purpose than a hat rack
Milton Bradley... I feel ya brother.

Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you say. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you know about yourself.

People are going to be ignorant. That's what people do.

Too many people are stuck in the past. Too many people NEED to hate to make themselves feel like they have value. Too many people think they know - when they don't have a clue.

It's tough being you. You've come a long way. I'm not fooled by the biases and blood thirsty media. You're a dude with emotions and passions under a microscope.

But come on man, you don't make anything better by listening to any of it. You aren't big enough to fight the World's ignorance. You can't. Believe me, I've tried too.

Haters hate. Fools are foolish. And you do you.

Forget about it, go home and sleep on your big pile of money and go out there and get 'em the next game.

Because if it isn't true it and you know it, it doesn't matter what anybody else says, does it? And every time you defend yourself, the AP news release is gonna add it to the list of things you have been misjudged for already every time they mention your name. and do people who matter to you need or even want to hear those stories over and over and over again?

You should have a fairly good idea how it works by now.

You're 30 years old now. You're a man. You aren't an animal. You aren't a child. You know this. I know this. But people who aren't aware enough to live in the present will always cling to safety; they will cling to what they think they know. It's familiar and warm and cozy because it's not something new to sort out. They can't fathom what you've been through. They can't understand you.

They don't want to shift their comfort zone and realize you're a man.

Don't worry about if they compare you to Josh Hamilton. They never knew him as he was going through his troubles, they only know him for what he is now and his past never happened in their comfort zone. He came into the league restored while you are going through the process before their unwilling, un-accepting, living-in-the-past eyes.

Help them. Make them uncomfortable. Make them shift their safe place out of their prejudices and into present reality. Be a man.

I'm rooting for you (when you're not playing the Rays). I want you to do good. I would LOVE for you to prove EVERYBODY wrong. THAT would be the best story ever written about you and would be the most delicious controversy of them all -"They were wrong"

More Hat Rack
Speaking of games by Milton Bradley - My boy Elijah Dukes made the news again. I'm not sure that showing up your manager is the best career decision when you're batting .207 and you're stoned off your ass in your MLB.com picture.

Elijah needs to come to the realization that he isn't the poor kid from Hillsborough anymore. He isn't the coddled star high school athlete who can cruise through everything unscathed. He is a supremely gifted athlete with a supremely gifted ability to squander incredible opportunities. Do I think he has anger issues? Well, not when he's stoned, he doesn't - he's a smilin' fool then!

Do I think he's a bad seed? Not really, dawg. I think he's an unbridled, undisciplined and unregulated, petulant kid in a bigass muffacker's body trying to get a grip on it all because it don't make any sense to him.

Elijah, you're gonna be 24 years old in two weeks. You're an emotional Cancer (as in born under the sign of Cancer, smartasses). When you aren't getting a grip on yourself, it can be very un-nerving to those around you. It's not a race thing (well, it probably is to some degree with the ignorant fools and the small minded media). It's that you are a beast of a man. You have that natural scowl on your face when you're not smiling and you carry a grudge that's only known to you.

If you don't work out for Jim "Only-I-can-handle-the-problem-guys-nobody-else-wants" Bowden, WHO is gonna give you another chance? If you don't start producing results soon, that answer is a resounding NO ONE.

Don't dumbass your way out of the league, please? I know that inside the scrambled mess that has been your life so far and that overwhelming urge to make babies you're a good, scared kid that just has always wanted to be loved.

But all that love your Dad could never give you because he was in jail for murdering a thieving, no good drug dealer never would have filled that hole anyway. You need to love yourself! It's THAT simple.

Yes, I still got your back, E. You were cool with me, so I'm cool with you.

Fudging With Numbers
Where things that shouldn't make sense pretend to!

Josh Hamilton is on pace for 169 and 1/2 RBI for the season. If he keeps this pace up until he is 40, he will have 2,250 RBI for his career and be second all-time!

In comparison, Barry Bonds has 1,996 RBI in his career to date. If he keeps up his current pace until he's 50, he will have 1,996 career RBI.

At his current pace, Roger Clemens will no longer be the only person with more Shutouts than years on the planet on August 4, 2009.

Cliff Lee is on pace for 24 1/2 wins this season. If he continues this season's pace continuously for another 17.6 seasons, he will tie Cy Young for the all-time lead in victories at age 47. But his career ERA will still be 1.66 higher than Cy's.

In comparison, Greg Maddux, who is on pace for 7 wins this season would need to pitch 22.4 more years at this season's pace in order to tie Cy Young's win record. He would be only 64 years old.

If Edinson Volquez had given up 14 fewer earned runs this season, his ERA would currently be 0.00. But his career ERA would still be 3.58.

The Texas Rangers lead the Majors in Runs Scored and Runs Allowed. Their Pythagorean record is 32-35, while their real record is 34-33. If they were to score 30 runs each time they play the Orioles for the remainder of the season and maintain their current pace against all the other teams they face, they'll score 1,085 runs - but still give up 943 runs, leaving their Pythagorean record at 86-78. Hard to believe a team that would score 1,085 runs (and 30 runs 7 times in one season) would only statistically win 86 games. THAT is how bad their pitching sucks!

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of California of the United States of America of the Western Hemisphere od Earth of the Solar System of the Milky Way currently have the best Road record in MLB at 21-12. That is a pace for 51 road wins. Or 32 more road wins than the Atlanta Braves are on course to finish with (19). That's roughly the equivalent to getting swept in 11 road series. (We'll be kind and call it 10 and throw in a couple 4-gamers to even it out)

If you eliminated all of the Boston Red Sox road wins but kept their road losses, they'd have a .500 record at 27-27. Yes, they have as many Home wins as total losses.

Big whoop. The Chicago Cubs have FOUR more home wins than total losses. At this rate, they are headed for 63 home wins - meaning they're on pace for 59 total losses (and 103 wins). Of course, this is called "Fudging with Numbers" not "Expecting Miracles to Happen".

Hmmm...
Did the NL Central get whammied in the last 24 hours or what?

First Pujols goes down and then A-Sor doubles him up with a broken wrist. I say we blame it on Eric Gagne.

If I was Lance Berkman (and I'm glad I'm not), I wouldn't be stepping on any cracks or walking under ladders today... or anytime soon.

Ah, who am I kidding? We all know Junior is overdue. Sorry, Ken.

Pre-emptive Maneuvers
Wonder if luck has accidentally passed you by? - Ever get the eerie feeling like one of those soda bottle caps you never checked was the million dollar winner? They weren't.

"Say no to street drugs" and then go home and take your unnecessarily prescribed medications - The local Arena Football League team, the Arizona Rattlers are having an interesting promotion soon. If you bring your unused medications to the arena and you can get free playoff tickets and they will "dispose" of the drugs properly - too bad you need drugs to enjoy Arena Football (come on, it was just sitting there, waiting for me to say that)

Of course, they advertise this on the radio station that probably has the most pill poppers listening to it - I'm gonna take an old bottle of kids chewable vitamins and see if I can fool them - I don't even take antibiotics so I don't have any old meds around. My daughter takes hormone replacement meds but she needs them, so we don't have leftovers. If I can concoct an acceptable facsimile and get tickets, expect a Manny article on Arena Football!!! Despite my earlier bad joke, I don't need drugs to enjoy Arena Football, I'm naturally messed up enough to have fun anywhere! But you're on drugs if you think I'm gonna voluntarily pay for tickets!

Speaking of "other" football leagues - I think I'm gonna start calling the NFL the "Stadium Football League", just for fun.

You know what? - the term "walk off" in conjunction with "win" or "victory" is really getting stupid. For starters, it can ONLY happen for the home team. Secondly, sometimes they gleefully traipse off, other times they lingeringly saunter off or wend their way to the clubhouse; they don't always walk off the field. It's overused, it's an innocuous term that was made up to over-glorify a game ending hit so douches in bars that think they know the game better than they do could think they're cool as well.

I'm waiting for the day when a game is getting rained on and a guy gets a hit to give his team the lead in the bottom of the inning and before the next batter comes to the plate the Umps call the game. I want to see that headline.

Jeez, it's been a while - I just realized I haven't been to a live sporting event since the Suns regular season ended! Are you ready for some WNBA!!! (because I don't foresee myself going to any D-Backs games anytime soon... Oh, yeah; fake bottle of meds = Arena Football tickets!)

Media Rant
Is it me or do the media types get amped up a little more for golf than they should? it's not me. I've seen at least 5 guys on TV lit up and glowing when talking about the upcoming US Open.

I think it's because they all think they can golf. Maybe it's because it's the only sport where they can go out on the same field of play as the pros do. It's certainly the sport they can come closest to competing at because it's a game made for people who can lies to themselves well.

Or is it because they all like to stuff their balls into a hole?

Face it. It's a giant game of billiards without a cue ball, more cue sticks and only one pocket, really far away. I won't argue about this because defenders of the sport like to get irrational easily - it's a skill more than an athletic event. Like baton twirling, curling, shuffleboard and darts. It takes more practice than ability to hone tour skills. Jeez, it even seems that once a year, somewhere a blind person, or a 103 year old or a legless person gets a hole-in-one!

To me, golf is a sport for liars who don't like to get dirty or wet, otherwise they'd be fishing.

Either way, I never played a round of 18 holes in my life but I've played the 19th hole HUNDREDS of times (my wife used to manage the bar at a course in Scottsdale a.k.a. "Golf Heaven" - even had our wedding reception there!)

Golf is the Great Outdoor Liar's Festival and you know I get a mulligan on that one.

Personally, when I hit a ball - I'd rather YOU go chase it!

WTMF Sports
Channel Manny Presents:

W.T.M.F. Sports with your host, Manny Stiles!

Brought to you by Poison-O's!

"You won't find a breakfast cereal with more arsenic per spoon full than Poison-O's. Now with 100% USRDA of no vitamins or minerals!"

Reporting on Thursday, June 12th... Manny Stiles:

MS - "I'm not impregnated with Siamese triplets... but first, our top story today"

Congress might just find out that steroid usage first STARTED with horses LONG before the first 90 lb weakling decided to try them for himself.

(Stiles' Political Rant side note: It's shocking that when Congress first had hearings about steroids and it was explained that Decabolin and durablin, etc were HORSE steroids not a single one of them put 1 + 1 together. But NOW they wanna knee jerkingly react like they're gonna sort this issue out.

Hey Congress, if you stop the use of steroids in horses then we can go back to eating them without fear, right?)

Ever wonder?
Why don't they make baseball card packs with bubble gum in them anymore? For $4 a pack, I want something to disregard and throw away!

I know why they don't add the gum anymore. The gum sucked and it would sometimes stain the cards. In today's mega-super ultra-collectibles world they make the cards too fancy to risk ruining them before you can touch 'em.

But maybe that's a PROBLEM. See... the reason why cards gained value back in the day wasn't because they were fancy. It was because kids PLAYED with them and ruined them thus making the quality cards scarce. Scarcity is what adds value, not fanciness.

When cards gained super popularity in the 80's the card companies flooded the market with numbers and collecting became chic which kept the general population from destroying and thus scarcifying the cards that otherwise would have gained value.

They did it to themselves.

And now Pokemon cards are more popular than sport trading cards.

Ask yourself why that is...

Because the kids PLAY with them!!!

And what happens when kids play with things? They get destroyed! Meaning: the supply is diminished!

So stock up on the pokemon, etc. gaming cards, stuff 'em in a fireproof safe and sell them 20 years from now to the punks today that will be rich morons then, recalling all the fun they had with their cards the first time around...

Here's something else you could try:

This Christmas: whatever the "hot" toy is, buy two of them. Give one of them as a gift to your kid (or friend's kid, what have you), toss the other in a fireproof box with your Pokemon, etc. cards and then 20 years from now, sell the second one to the grown up kid at a hefty mark up. They won't be able to resist it because they had so much fun with the first one which is now long gone. Not only did you help scarcify the supply but you also reap the reward of profiting from some fool's emotions! You'll thank me...

That's your Manny Stiles "investing in dumb kid's shit tip of the day"!

The Adventures of ManRays
Today's Ray of the Day is...

Scott Kazmir - 10K's in the loss. Only gave up three runs - which RAISED his ERA to 1.74 but was tagged for his first loss since April.

Honorable mention - Aki - a triple, a single and a run as the only Ray to get two hits against the Angels.

They're already back in Tampa after the afternoon getaway game and enjoying a day off before preparing for those in-state rival Florida Marlins. Time to see who is for real and who is the stinky fish!

Go Rays!

10
1 – Bill Bradley 2 - Jim McMillian 3 - Matt Maloney 4 - Rudy LaRusso 5 - Dave Newmark 6 - Brian Taylor 7 - Adonal Foyle 8 - Geoff Petrie 9 - Walt Budko 10 – Chris Dudley

A Picture is worth 1000 Boneheads
Unlike Elijah Dukes, Jose Canseco was not cool to me when I first met him (in 1988). So let's be reminded of his finest moment on a baseball diamond and one of the best highlights of the 90's:

http://www4.stat.ncsu.edu/~reiland/head_home_run.jpg

Dr. Commento Answers the Questions
ATQ – Yesterday's 10 was too easy, but fun anyway... J-Dawg wins the lifetime supply of people calling him girls names for answering it first.

Overtheedge gets the comment responded to in today's edition:

"i really liked the delahanty interview, it is very origional" - assuming he goes before I do, you just wait until Jim Everett dies and see how that interview goes, buddy!

Strike a Prose
Untitled

Lies, lies  don't say a word

Silence, silence never to be heard

Shame, shame Just pretend it's not there

Idiocy, idiocy I guess it's damned near everywhere

Once upon a time yet it's like it is not real but it really happened just 'nuther of life's deals one to another part of life's fun rules life to living proof and the  death to fools Why can't we just talk about it? We just don't know The truth will set you free Yet we can't say so

Lies, lies - what the fack Silence, Silence - shit outta luck Shame, Shame - it's the madness game Bullshit, bullshit - it never ends, it never ends