Article:A Likely Inaccurate and Fairly Baseless 2009 NFL Mock Draft: Part 1

I'm baaaaackkkkkkk. We can save the ass-grabbing for the comments -- let's get right to it!

Even though this mock draft is split into two parts, this entire thing is RIDICULOUSLY long, so if you don't like football then... well... I suggest you just enjoy the pretty and colorful pictures I've provided instead. If you actually like football (like even a little bit) then by all means, print this puppy out and read it on the toilet. My works make great number two reading.

At least that's what I've heard...

But anyway, without further ado:

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1. Detroit Lions



Jason Smith, OT, Baylor

It seems like everyone and their ex-girlfriends, plumbers, cousins, florist thinks that the Lions are absolutely, positively going with Matthew Stafford at number one. While this is definitely possible and largely the smart bet out of all scenarios, I'm going to educate you a little bit O.K.?

Stafford's skills are undeniable -- the kid has an absolute gun of an arm and all of the intangibles that shout out "great professional quarterback". However, the Lions currently have one absolutely starter ready QB in Daunte Culpepper, one potentially capable QB in Drew Henson and one potential FRANCHISE QB in Drew Stanton! Have we forgotten that the Lions spent a second round pick in 2007 on this guy! He played in three games in 2008, completed more than 50% of his passes, threw one TD and has YET to throw his first career interception! Say what you want about Henson and how the front office probably just keeps him on the roster to warm the bench instead of any actual talent, but Stanton -- how could the Lions NOT take a chance with this kid when it would mean they could fill oh-so-many other vital holes in the process?

Am I the ONLY person who gets worked up about this or what? Am I missing something here?

The only logical explanation is that the Lions coaching staff and/or scouting department do not feel that Stanton is franchise QB material. But not only is three career games way too small of a sample size, he did nothing in those three games to even warrant being thrown out of the debate!

I'm calling a Mario Williams in 2006 here and say that the Lions shock everyone and take the best sure-thing offensive tackle on the board in Jason Smith.

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2. St. Louis Rams 

Eugene Monroe, OT, Virginia

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3. Kansas City Chiefs 

Aaron Curry, OLB, Wake Forest

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4. Seattle Seahawks



Michael Crabtree, WR, Texas Tech

What's that? A gamble you say? Nay, nay! Absolutely not I say.

Sure, the Seahawks could take an offensive tackle here, but I think they roll the dice with Crabtree -- and by roll the dice, I mean, wait patiently for 6-8 weeks until he has everyone head butting their refrigerators following a ridiculously impressive workout. Everyone's forgetting that this kid was labeled as the premier wide receiver talent in this years crop and who was said to be a one-of-a-kind, can't-pass-up-on type talent.

So, he has a minor problem with his foot and people are calling for his head in the second round? No dice my friend. No dice.

Besides, with the recent signing of T.J. Houshmandzadeh, the Seahawks are one wide receiver away from having a 2009 receiving corps that is the EXACT opposite of their 2008 one. As you surely remember, the 2008 Seahawks WR corps was hit by the bubonic plague which in turn forced the Seahawks quarterbacks to have to throw the ball to complete and utter bum-bums. Take a look at this potential receiving corps for this year and then tell me this would be a stupid pick:

Deion Branch, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Nate Burleson and Michael Crabtree.

Yes, please!

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5. Cleveland Browns 

Brian Orakpo, DE, Texas

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6. Cincinnati Bengals 

Jeremy Maclin, WR, Missouri

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7. Oakland Raiders

Michael Oher, OT, Ole Miss

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8. Jacksonville Jaguars



Brandon Pettigrew, TE, Oklahoma State

What, too early? Maybe, but how about you tell me what portion of the offense the Jaguars passing attack has sorely missed these past two seasons. Besides any semblance of pass protection. Yes, that's right! A tight end!

A lot of people have been turned off by Pettigrew's performance at the Combine, but since when have we judged career potential by Combine performance while blatantly ignoring years of game tape? He wasn't a pass-catching tight end machine in college or anything, but seriously, was anyone? ''ANTONIO GATES DIDN'T EVEN PLAY FOOTBALL IN COLLEGE! NOT ONE SNAP!''

So let's just shush with all of the remarks about how there's no way he could be utilized as a pass-catching threat in the pros. He'll be utilized by whosoever job it is to utilize him and unless their a moron they'll experiment with Pettigrew as an offensive weapon.

That will be all...

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9. Green Bay Packers 

B.J. Raji, DT, Boston College

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10. San Francisco 49ers



Matthew Stafford, QB, USC

The amazement that you're feeling right now upon reading Matthew Stafford's name penciled into a number ten spot in a mock draft is the product of mass media brainwashing. You've been constantly pumped full of opinions that say that he HAS to go number one -- there's just no other way! Well, let me tell you something.

If the Lions choose to go another route and the Rams pass up on him at number two, Stafford will NOT be taken until at LEAST the tenth overall pick in the Draft. Yes, the odds of this happening are smaller than him being taken at one or two, but the NFL Draft is a finicky bitch. As are mock drafts. Basically this is because that as soon as one team goes against the grain and takes someone who their highly trained scouting department and front office tells them to, as soon as this happens and hardly any people thought that it would happen -- boom! There goes your mock draft. Boom! There goes what you thought would happen on Draft Weekend. Boom! There goes the nachos you put into the microwave with aluminum foil you jackass!

Nobody ever remembers Mock Drafts. Ever. So instead of preaching what 90% of what the other ones are preaching, I'm going to try and go the alternate route and try and look at the entire thing from outside the box. If it happens? Awesome, I'm a genius. If it doesn't happen? Whatever, I won't lose any sleep and will probably have an incredibly fun time making fun of myself in a recap post.

Whatever you do though, don't go thinking that Stafford is going to be going number one just because Mel Kiper Jr. is saying so. That guy lost touch with reality many, many years ago. Don't get me twisted, the guy knows his shit, but unfortunately has become as stubborn as me and my father put together and times 11. And that's PRETTY frigging stubborn.

Just be prepared for the reality that will take place if he ISN'T taken number one. Everyone thought Reggie Bush was going first back in 2006, too. Look what happened! Mario Williams was taken first instead and it was THE CORRECT CHOICE to boot! Imagine that!

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11. Buffalo Bills

Everette Brown, DE, Florida State

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12. Denver Broncos

Aaron Maybin, DE, Penn State

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13. Washington Redskins

Rey Maualuga, ILB, USC

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14. New Orleans Saints



Malcolm Jenkins, CB, Ohio State

The Saints need a cornerback and Jenkins is arguably the best available out of this years crop. What more can I say?

To be completely honest, I featured this particular pick because I just like the Saints logo a lot. Such contrasting colors -- it practically pops off the page, no?! Okay fine... I'd feel too guilty if I had just left it at that.

Back on topic though, opinions vary as to who the top cornerback in this years crop is and while Jenkins was believed to be the #1 cover man heading into the Combine, his less-than-stellar footwork didn't do much to shut the book on the matter. So basically, whose picked here will depend on whomever the Saints scouting department has ranked as the first CB on their board. It could be Alphonso Smith, it could be Vontae Davis or it could be (as I suspect) the Mr. Jenkins that I have listed right here.

Not to get that into it cause I could go on for days, I think we put WAY too much emphasis on how players do at the Combine. I'm NOT saying it's a waste of time -- only that I think we blow the things that happen there out of proportion. For instance, the Combine is a great way to gauge a players speed and hands and agility and the like, but we need to start factoring in things like nerves, bad days and some good old-fashioned f*ck ups! Shouldn't several seasons of game tape be worth a heck of a lot more than a few drills, a benchpress and a 40 yard dash in Indiana? OF COURSE IT SHOULD!

So that's why I have Jenkins listed here -- to make a long story short. He had the best career at his position in college and has the most pro potential in my opinion. You can agree, you can disagree and you could even question how many testicles I have -- but the fact of the matter is that gametape gives you a story over a much longer period of time and that is free from outside influences such as a bad day or a screw up. The Combine results serve a purpose, but I'm afraid we've begun to measure a player's career potential with how well he did there.

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15. Houston Texans

Percy Harvin, WR, Florida

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16. San Diego Chargers

Andre Smith, OT, Alabama

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This article was originally posted at AffiliateCrack.com

''All images used WITHOUT the expressed, written consent of the National Football League. If it's THAT much of a problem, I'll take them down -- just ask! I'm a wonderfully nice guy!''