Article:In Which I Skewer Jay the Joke



"Insert movie dialogue from outdated flick"

Today, formulaic writing has perhaps disgraced its presence on the front page for the very last time.

No fun, my babe no fun No fun, my babe no fun No fun to hang around Feeling that same old way No fun to hang around Freaked out for another day

Step 1: Check. Nobody reads it, so why bother? I guess I really mean "uncheck".

Jay Mariotti, we miss you. Shed some wisdom over here, if you could be so kind.

"Not sure why, but I get in trouble when I refer to NASCAR folks as dumb. That won't deter me from skewering Bobby Allison, who is missing air in his tire when it comes to cars, spectators and danger."

Understandable Jay. The pain is shared. Some folks here think Joakim Noah is the greatest entity since sliced bread. They probably appreciate NASCAR as well. It takes a genius to make left hand turns for 500 miles.

Step 2: Bitch

The Cubs lost again last night. Any more injuries to this team, and Lou Piniella really will be filling out a lineup consisting of the Peoria Chiefs.

However, the season is still early. Cubdom will insist that 9-9 means nothing in April. Somehow games at the beginning of the year magically are less valuable to win than those in September. We really need to stop being so negative about Neal Cotts. It is not his fault that Jim Hendry keeps him employed as the lefty bullpen specialist incapable of throwing a strike.

No fun, my babe no fun No fun, my babe no fun No fun to be alone Walking by my self No fun to be alone In love with nobody else

Step 3: Bitch Some More.

The White Sox are really not faring that much better. They as well are 9-9. The drums are beating slowly for the beheading of Jose Contreras.

However, the season is still early. Chisoxdom (?) will insist that 9-9 means nothing in April (doesn't get more formulaic than re-writing the very same sentence huh?). Somehow games at the beginning of the year are less valuable to win than those in September. We really need to stop being so negative about missing Neal Cotts. It is not his fault that Ken Williams did not keep him employed as the lefty bullpen specialist incapable of throwing a strike.

Ozzie seems a little too subdued this season. He is starting to look frumpy. Kind of like a poor man's younger version of Lou Piniella. A little Jay might restore some zest to Guillen's life.

Oh yeah, what was Jay saving the world from again?

NASCAR crashes? Alright:

"Every time the sport deals with a mainstream media crisis -- the latest being the violent, special-effects-like Edwards wreck that sent debris shooting into the stands and injured seven spectators, one of whom was still hospitalized Monday -- too many good old boys hunker down and resist common-sense advice from 'outsiders'' like me."

Gee Jay, I dunno if that is exactly true. I'm sure lots of southern good ol' boys like your purty mouth.

Step 4: Link to the thread where you’re still bitching.

Well I really cannot do that because the policy of the website is not to provide Jay Mariotti any direct weblinks. After all, no links equals no money for Jay. Seems a little harsh. Hair gel is not cheap these days and a fella has got to pay the bills.

Well, maybe go out, Maybe stay home Maybe call Mom on the telephone

I'm already running out of steam on appraising Jay's masterpiece over NASCAR car crashes.

Let's talk about something else.

Why does Ozzie Guillen seemingly hate Venezuelans? Is it a Hugo Chavez political thing? Does Ozzie share the same contempt for Puerto Ricans? Or Mexicans? Can we at least agree on everyone hating the French? Mayonnaise on french fries is just disgusting. That indeed deserve global scorn. Even Kim Jong-il is appalled.

Oh yeah, we still need a web link to complete this formulaic drivel. I searched diligently for the most appropriate quote. This is what I found, courtesy of Celtics fan Steve Weinman (Blog a Bull):

"One thing I do know. I'm adding Joakim Noah to the list of players that I simply don't like seeing on the basketball court. Nobody wants to be called a 'hater' but I guess you could label it that if you want. Here's Noah in a nutshell to me: Take KG and all his antics and most of his energy. Remove almost all of the talent and beat him senseless with an ugly stick. That's Noah (and that might be giving him too much credit)."

Clearly Steve has no idea what he is talking about either. Joakim Noah is the greatest basketball player of all-time. And Michael Jordan knows it.

There really isn't much point to continuing this further. Nobody really reads these posts. So I'll post an old family chili recipe:

Ingredients


 * 2-3 lbs pork roast (pre-diced pork works well for a faster preparation. Just brown with onions) * 2 tablespoons cooking oil or lard or bacon grease * 1 large chopped onion (not traditional) (optional) * 1 head minced garlic (taste great, but also helps prevent heart burn) * 6 tablespoons flour * 1 (15 ounce) can tomatoes, drained * 2 cups diced green chilies (I use Big Jims, roasted, peeled and frozen by the bushel every fall) * 3 large tomatillos, husks removed and coarsely chopped (optional) * 2-4 teaspoons jalapenos (optional) * 5 cups water or chicken broth (broth is not traditional, but I like the flavor better) * 2 tablespoons ground cumin (or to taste) * 2 tablespoons ground chili powder (or to taste) (optional) * 1 teaspoon salt

Directions 1. Simmer roast in a large pan until meat is tender and removes from the bone easily. (You can also use diced pork, or pork cube steaks (cut to bite size pieces), browned in the pot with the onion and garlic before adding the rest of the ingredients). 2. Cool meat enough to handle. 3. Cube cooked pork into bite size pieces. 4. Process 1/2 of the green chilies until smooth. 5. In the same large pan, melt the lard or bacon grease (or heat oil). 6. Add onions and garlic; sauté until tender but not brown. 7. Stir flour into the onion, garlic and fat until flour absorbs the oil or fat. 8. Add broth or water. 9. Cook and stir until mixture comes to boil and is slightly thickened. 10. Add cubed meat, drained tomatoes, chopped tomatillos, all of the green chilies and jalapeños if desired (taste first). 11. Add the spices a little at a time until you get the taste you like, bringing to a simmer before each addition. 12. Simmer for at least 1 hour (longer if you can afford the time), stirring occasionally to prevent it from sticking to the bottom of the pan. 13. If you want more of a stew type chili, add cubed potatoes 20 minutes before serving; serve with warm tortillas. 14. Serve over burritos and garnish with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes and sour cream. 15. Leave pork out for a vegetarian green chili sauce.

The key ingredient is the meat. Yes, this is a pork based recipe. For best results, import it from Mexico. Don't let a little inconvenient pneumonia and a bad case of diarrhea spoil your appetite. And it is rather low glycemic for the blood sugar dysfunctional. Obesity is frigging killing our society. This will cut off at least 10 lbs of body water per serving. Guaranteed. (*Disclaimer: These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. Tyrone's family chili recipe is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.)

If only Jay Mariotti ate better. I'm somewhat surprised he has not yet filed a lawsuit against professional sports for force feeding him processed fast foods served in all those sports barns. No wonder he hides out in the bunker. Thank God for that cardiologist in New Orleans.

Well, come on, well, come on Well, come on, well, come on Well, come on, well, come on Well, come on, well, come on

Another random thought that really has nothing to do with anything other than allow me to climb on a soapbox and... what was that word again? Bitch. Bitch? Right, thank you very much. What the hell was up with the White House deciding to buzz the old 9/11 haunts in New York City? In the very least, was Michael Bay able to capture this dramatic footage on camera? And when does 9/11 Part II makes its Hollywood premiere? Flashback to Top Gun :

"Maverick: Requesting permission for flyby. Air Boss Johnson: That's a negative ghostrider, the pattern is full."

Seriously, how is the Mayor of New York not made aware of Air Force One buzzing his city? All this for a photo op? How much tax payer dough did that cost?

King Dick is pissed off. And he should be. This kind of stuff is supposed to happen in Chicago. Think about it. A breathless shot of Air Force One flying 10 feet above the Sears Tower (I don't care what it is now called) would slam dunk the Olympic bid. That is enough excitement to give Oprah Winfrey her first orgasm since 1976.

Oh no. Damn. Fell out of the formulaic method. This is supposed to be displayed at the top.

No fun to be alone No fun to be alone Hang on, don't let me go No fun to be alone

Jay the Joke is dedicated to unifying true fans of all Chicago sports through their shared contempt of the daily offerings from writers who emulate Jay Mariotti. We're also not too fond of Jay either.

Just re-read the website's mission statement. Interesting. At no point does it mention unanimous unabashed homerism of all that is Chicago sports. Perhaps the admins need to get together and reconsider.

Must be one of those "Chicago things".

A discussion of "what television shows do you watch other than sports" has never initiated here at Jay the Joke. I'm married. I usually get full advantage of the remote control. But sometimes it is necessary to flick the channel when Cotts is warming up in the bullpen. Here are 10 shows that have graced the Briggs household:

1. The Mentalist : Stupid CBS crap. But my wife loves it. I think she has a thing for white dudes wearing 3 piece suits. What the hell is the California Bureau of Investigation? Seriously, would any witness to a crime really stop and talk to someone flashing a CBI badge? On the plus side, the chicks are always wearing super tight pants and tops. On the downside, so are the dudes. Clearly this is show intended to keep all ilks of orientation satisfied.

2. The Tudors : Henry VIII was a badass. In today's world, he would be Samuel L. Jackson with a veneral wart on his manly part. Best chicks ever on HBO. This is what Caligula aspired to be. And some poor peasant always gets his head lobbed off or tortured (the hot poker in the bottom was a bit much though) every episode.

3. Rome : Sadly, this series has ended. Pretty much the same as The Tudors. The guy who played Marc Antony gets to nail just about every actress on this show. And he clearly loves the role. Who could blame him? John Carpenter should be hired to script and direct Henry VIII vs Marc Antony in a time warp thriller a la Alien vs Predator. Just throw in all that naked babes and it will be an instant classic.

4. Two and A Half Men : Another favorite of the wife. Charlie Sheen scores a hell of a lot of MILFs on this show. But they need to stop feeding that kid. He needs to sample more pork chili and less fast food.

5. South Park: Keeps me sane. Most oft quoted program by yours truly here at Jay the Joke. This new season has been a huge bust.

6. Ghost Hunters : What a bunch of crap. Spooky night cameras with an overdubbed Marilyn Manson soundtrack to cover up all the supposed paranormal sounds and other miscellaneous alleged "activity". If this group really wanted to be frightened, go investigate Jay Mariotti's house.

7. Ghost Hunters International :  Because it is sometimes boring to rewatch the same investigations being conducted in stereotypical white trash trailers so the Euro flavor of castles and dungeons is sometimes warranted.

8. Kitchen Nightmares : Gordon Ramsay is a douche that knows how to cook and kick ass in the kitchen. Every other word out of this wonker's mouth is "F*ck" (happy Bill?). He really is one crazy son of a bitch. There is a BBC version of this show but it is pretty dry and boring. The American version is much more entertaining as the kitchens are grosser, the food* more despicable and chefs that would wash out of McDonald's Hamburger University. One day Ramsay is going to attacked and killed by an irate kitchen staff. And they will serve the patrons my chili recipe with a unique pork substitute.

9. Deadliest Catch: Picture white trash on ugly ass boats bobbing around in the Bering Sea. These dudes are insane. They crab fish without taking breaks for about 4 weeks. Every episode is always good for some medical emergency such as "man overboard", an 800 lb pot falling on someone's head, fishing cleaver body dismemberment, and overdosing on Red Bull and cigarettes.

10. Ice Road Truckers: Sarah Palin must be offering free turkeys to the broadcasting corporation heads for all of these docudramas produced in Alaska. Picture Smokey and the Bandit hauling ass across 1 inch frozen ice.

And finally, no doubt that a lot of regulars here will follow Big Bad Bill's lead on wearing the above shown thong. Yes, it is quite sexy. And perhaps appropriate to satisfyingly bind up the buttock cheeks while reading the front page. Assuredly, more than a few regulars here will require something of a XXXXL waistline capacity and not so much room in the front. Even during these dire economic times (all George W. Bush's fault of course), everyone can shell out the $10 to purchase. Note to Bill: Gotta get these with the domain name... Here is the link to purchase (Won't that webmaster be scratching his head and nuts when reviewing the hits of the day)

Maybe send a few to Jay's bunker as well. It is always nice to receive a "Welcome Back, We Missed You" present.

Because if Jay doesn't come back soon to Chicago, Jay the Joke will implode from its narcissism.

And last but not least, the Blackhawks defeated those flamers from Calgary (wherever the hell that is?) last night. Good for the Hawks. Seriously, Chicago has not won a hockey playoff series since 1996. Remember 1996?

- US budget crisis in fourth month (Jan 3).

- Clinton approves resumption of many government operations (Jan. 6).

- Bob Dole sweeps primaries (March 5).

- F.B.I. arrests suspected Unabomber (April 3).

- Clinton signs line-item veto bill (April 9).

- President blocks ban on late-term abortions (April 10).

- Valujet crashes in Everglades; all 110 aboard killed (May 11).

- 747 airliner crashes in Atlantic off Long Island, N.Y.; all 230 aboard perish (July 17).

- Congress passes welfare reform bill (Aug. 2); approved by Clinton Aug. 22.

- Republican convention nominates Bob Dole and Jack Kemp (Aug. 14); Democratic convention nominates incumbents Clinton and Gore, who win the national election (Nov. 5).

- Clinton appoints Madeleine Albright as first female US secretary of state (Dec. 5).

Poor Bob Dole. He had no chance against BJ Clinton. However, he did make a crapload of money shilling ED drugs. And who would not want to get a Bob Dole like boner and be just like Bob Dole. Bob Dole wants to be like Bob Dole! Norm MacDonald has been unemployed ever since that election. Be careful what you wish for SNL, you just might receive it. How funny is it to lampoon St. Teleberry in the most tasteful politically way possible?

This post really had no relevance, did it? Oh well. That is why formulaic writing is valuable. Keeps one on track.

Have a great day!

Note: If this seems confusing or uninteresting to you, no harm or foul. It was a response article to an occurrence unrelated ArmchairGM. There will be no carry over effect whatsoever here. For those that know me are probably not surprised and perhaps mildly entertained. Peace - Tyrone Briggs