Article:In Which Angelo Has His Best First Day Draft Ever

"Samson: I think I broke his f*ckin' neck! Announcer: I think he broke his f*ckin' neck! Team doctor: One side, one side. [Examines injured player] Team doctor: Get the ambulance! I think he broke his f*ckin' neck. Samson: See! I told you I broke his f*ckin' neck!"

The Detroit Lions rewarded Matt Stafford with the most guaranteed money in NFL history.

Makes perfect sense of course. The quarterback has yet to receive one snap in the pros.

Perhaps when Roger Goodell completes his mission of adjudicating the degree of sincerity in Michael Vick's apology, the commissioner will find the time to implement a rookie pay scale. How far off are we from a future draft where teams refuse to participate in the upper half of the first round due to these dumb overinflated contract negotiations?

Jerry Angelo had himself one hell of a first day gold mining for future Bears. He unearthed Jay Cutler, the unheralded {cough} and seldom talked {cough} about starting quarterback from the Denver Broncos. Imagine that. A proven professional quarterback is a cheaper and more viable option than the Lions handing over Fort Knox to garner a good but hardly OMG! This guy is the next Joe Montana college football player.

Typically first round draft picks are coveted within the NFL ranks. Untouchable. And what happens when a work of art becomes appraised as being priceless? Simply put, unaffordable and not worth the risk. Especially for an organization still reeling from the embarrassment of a putrid drafting alumnus consisting of Spellman, McNown, Enis, Salaam, Benson, Terrell and Haynes. What about Grossman, you ask? The Sex Cannon has suffered enough, thank you very much.

When time was nearing for the Bears to pick at spot #49 of the draft yesterday, Angelo looked at the board and didn't see the right names remaining for the amount of dough required to be shelled out. He must have recalled previous nuisances of rookie contract hold outs, bitchy agents, bitchy coaches wanting everyone in camp, and an even bitchier local media press encircling Halas Hall like sharks waiting to devour the next draft bust. He explains:

“Obviously it was an uneventful day today,” said general manager Jerry Angelo. “The key to drafting is filling your needs without leaving levels, and we were going to adhere to that throughout this draft.

"Unfortunately, the players that we targeted at 49 did not fall to us.”

So Angelo took a pass. And he traded away the pick to the Seahawks for a 3rd and 4th pick. It is doubtful he experienced any restless sleep over this move last night.

Jerry Angelo is dumb as a fox. He knows his future as the Bears GM depends upon a still maturing, diabetic starting quarterback that has been carousing Chicago's bars and hanging out with the local chicks. In Dallas, at least the starting quarterback beds down a now thigh thickening Jessica Simpson (but hey, who the hell will ever forget that Dukes of Hazard bikini scene?). But here in Chicago, the best Cutler can do for now is an Internet pseudocelebrity with the relevance of Tron Guy and Dramatic Look Gopher.

Even still, Cutler is much closer to Sid Luckman and uhh 1985 Jim McMahon versus just about every other Bears starting quarterback. Angelo knows this. And he has thrown all his remaining career chips on the poker table that this offseason move, along with signing Orlando Pace, will placate the locals and garner a division title and return trip to the playoffs.

And if not?

Bye, bye Jerry.

Sometime today, the Bears will draft a receiver. And since I'm not a college football obsessed maven, I'll bow to David Haugh's suggestions for Angelo's selection possibilities:

"Three wide receivers still available -- Juaquin Iglesias of Oklahoma, Louis Murphy of Florida and Kevin Ogletree of Virginia -- fit the profile the Bears seek and would seem to have enough value to justify being chosen at that spot. Safeties still on the board that might interest the Bears at either No. 68 or No. 99 include Chris Clemons of Clemson and David Bruton of Notre Dame."

Any of these guys at wideout be the next Jerry Rice? I dunno. But could they do any worse than last year's almost non-existent receiving corps?

Trading away first round picks in exchange for established pro talent. Avoiding second round picks by trading down in exchange for multiple lower round selections. Staying under the radar, protecting cap space and dodging first day, big college name, huge expensive contracts that quite possibly yield franchise destroying humiliation and a one way ticket to the unemployment line?

Jerry Angelo might be the NFL's most astute executive. A revolutionary pioneer of our times. How to save face and keep your job.

If that doesn't wake up Goodell and the owners to renegotiate a rookie salary cap/pay scale with the NFLPA, nothing will.