Article:20080611 Manny Stiles' Sportsune Cookie

Intro:

Welcome to Manny Stiles ' Daily Weekday Column:

"Sportsune Cookie" – Not for Internal Use, Apply Topically



One man’s rigged is another man’s fixed
Oh… the irony is in the details. The timing is beautiful. I swear David Stern does this stuff on purpose just so we can’t talk about anything else.

Tim Donaghy is more than a topic in Son of Like a Haiku, he’s a patsy.

The new Lee Harvey Oswald. Anyone else willing to tab Joey Crawford as Jack Ruby?

Tim squealed like a stuck pig but instead of blood, there was vague details.

My favorite part was the weak assed denial by the head of the ref’s union.

I think anyone who remembers 2002 can tell who might be onto something and who might be ‘’on’’ something in this debate.

But I said it before and I’ll say it again. So what. There’s little they can do now. The damage is done, the images will eventually be repaired or – more to Stern’s liking – a little controversy will loom and we’ll be talking about it all summer long. King David’s perfect scenario.

In the World of Stern – ALL publicity is good publicity. For a league that has moved on without it’s crown jewel (#23) seamlessly, and a Finals that can’t scratch the balls of the Bird-Magic rivalry, it’s a perfect storm.

Conversation creates familiarity and familiarity leads to success.

Let’s face it, it also adds more lore to the conspiracy theorists – you know, about HALF of all NBA fans!!!

Interview With a Dead Guy
Welcome to “IWADG” with host Manny Stiles and today’s special guest, Hall of Famer Ed Delahanty. “Big Ed” played 16 seasons, mostly with the Quakers/Phillies before his bizarre death at age 35 (more on that in a bit). He was elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1945. Ed was born in Cleveland, Ohio the eldest of seven brothers; four of those brothers went on to play in the Major Leagues – Frank, Jim, Joe and Tom. “Big Ed” had more hits during the 1890’s than any other player. He was second in home runs during that same span. He finished three seasons above the .400 plateau and had another three seasons above the .370 mark. He finished his shortened career with a .346 career average, good enough for fifth all-time.

Ed Delahanty is also the only player in MLB history to record a 4 HR game and a 30+ game hitting streak.

I won’t go into details how I could physically meet up with a dead guy from the past and interview him, but we’ll start out with the part where the mystical fog recedes and we are both sitting in comfortable chairs engulfed in white light.

Manny Stiles: Welcome Ed. It’s nice to have you. I just wanted to start off by…

Wait a minute…

Ed. Are you drunk?

Ed Delahanty: Yeah. I’m pretty much always drunk.

MS – OK. Well... anyway. Five Delahanty boys made it to the bigs what was...

ED (interjecting) – Our Mama gave us bats instead of rattles...

MS – Yes, Ed, it has often been said that you were the guy that hit the ball as hard as anyone before Babe Ruth, hitting some spectacular home runs that were...

ED (interrupting) – Yeah, well if I would have split those home runs up into singles, I would have led the damned league!

MS – OK. So some historians consider you the best right handed hitter in the game’s history...

ED (butting in) - You’re damned right I was!

MS (cutting him off) – They also say you were rude and confrontational as well as a general pain in the ass to deal with. Can you let me conduct this interview?

ED - Sorry. Proceed.

MS - You played in an outfield that not only had three future Hall of Famers (yourself, Billy Hamilton and Sam Thompson) but also, all three of you batted over .400 for the season in 1894. How did your team only finish fourth that season?

ED - Simple. The Orioles and Giants were STACKED. Baltimore had Big Dan, Wee Willie, Hughie at short Robbie and that c###sucker McGraw at third. They were good, but they were even better cheaters!

They spiked, they grabbed, they tripped, they scratched, they gave their fans dead balls to throw back into play (ed note: foul balls used to be returned to play in those days), they stole signs from centerfield and sent them back to the dugout using telegraph wires and you didn't dare buckle your belt when you played the Orioles or they'd grab it as you'd try to run the bases. They even threw dirt into the umpires' eyes when they slid into home!

They were cheating bastards, that's how they won the pennant that year. Of course, that was how the game was played but they did it dirtier than any other team. they started more riots than any other team, that's for sure!

MS - Well, you knew this question was coming... Tell me the REAL story behind your bizarre and mysterious death, if you don;t mind.

ED Mind? Not at all (hiccup). It's about time you future people get this story right.

Everyone knows I got thrown off that train (ed note: in 1903, after teammate George Davis left the team to join the New York Giants, Delahanty did the same and left the Washington Senators, midseason in hopes of joining the New York Giants as well - and oddly enough, his former rival John McGraw - for more money and the fact that the Senators were in dead last place. He left the team in Detroit and hopped a train for Buffalo to catch another train for New York). Sure, I was a little sloshed. I was depressed about a lot of things. I had some heat on me with some mobsters who wanted me to fix some games - and I NEVER FIXED ANY GAMES DAMMIT! I loe baseball. Hell, it was all I ever loved. Well, that and the whiskey. I got rowdy and was rousing up some passengers but when one guy took offense to me grabbing his girl we almost came to blows. I pulled out my straight razor, you know the razors we used to shave back in those days and the conductor started some guff with me. When we got to Fort Erie, he kicked me out!

Fort Erie train station was right there next to the river and the station was on the Canadian side of the bridge. He told me not to cause any trouble in Canada and I told him "I don't care if I'm in Canada or if I'm dead". That's true. But it was a figure of speech. Hell, if you're in Canada you might as well be dead!

So the train leaves and I start to follow it, because they still had my bags on it and as I'm leaning against the bridge support, this night watchman comes over to me... a real old fella and he shines his light in my eyes and we start cussing at each other, mostly me cause I'm loaded by then. He says he's gonna arrest me but I didn't pay him much mind because I needed my stuff, so I knocke dhim down and took off down the tracks.

Well, it was pitch dark, no moon, no lights. The bridge was lifted for a boat coming through and I didn't know it. I tripped on a tie on the railroad bridge because I was so drunk and fell right through the bridge, then tumbled into the riverbed. I landed on some rocks and never knew what hit me; washed down the river, over Horsehoe Falls and in a few days the Captain of the "Maid of the Mist" tour boat found my corpse near it's landing dock... or what was left of my corpse.

The prop from the boat chopped my leg off, of course going over the falls bent me up quite a bit too. The water and current ripped all my clothes and my rings off except for my tie, which oddly enough was knotted firmly.

My poor brother Frank thought I was murdered because all my jewelry and clothes were missing and investigated it for a while, but he never could admit that I was just a pissdrunk fool most of the time.

Hell, they - my wife, who I was about to split up with and my brothers - didn't even come look for me for a couple of days because they just figured I was out ripping up the countryside, downing the booze to drown out my money problems and all the losing I was experiencing with Washington.

MS - So the night watchman, he didn't push you in?

ED - Are you kidding me? He was old. I was in the prime of my life! I was the King of Swat. No old man was gonna rough me up.

MS - Fascinating. Simply fascinating, Ed.

One last question before I return to my realm - and it's not the "what's the afterlife like?" because I know if you tell me that I'll die... but what is the biggest difference between the game when you played and today's game?

ED - Other than the money, that the players are a lot bigger - I was "Big Ed, and I'm only 6'1"! Manny, if you played at 6'6" you'd have been nicknamed "Jumbo" in my day. But the biggest difference is the travel accomodations.

If they travelled with planes back then, the trip that killed me from Detroit to New York? I wouldn't even have time enough to get loaded! A road trip to St Louis was a pain in the keester for us then. When you're stuck on a train for 15-20 hours it wears you down. Travelling was tough then...

MS - Thanks a lot for your time, Big Ed. Tell King and George I said "Hi".

ED - My pleasure. Will do.

And with that, he was gone, the mist returned and I was transported to the present realm at home, and thus began making the 'Cookie.

Hmmm...
$225 million – OK, Mauricia Grant has a pretty good case of discrimination of both the sexual and racial varieties built up in her lawsuit.

Anyone who has ever attended a NASCAR event or has an inkling of common sense knows that the sport is rife with ancient attitudes towards people who aren’t of similar redneckedness.

But Mauricia, for just one second think about where you pulled that number from… $225 million? REALLY? I noticed you present 57 incidents of harassment, but at nearly $4mil per incident??? Good luck.

You worked in the Nationwide Series, not the Nextel Cup. Granted, if you were really good, you could have worked your way up to “the big time”. But still, you were just a technical inspector; you weren’t a driver or crew chief. You likely wouldn’t have made $2.25 million in TWO lifetimes as the best technical inspector in NASCAR history.

Maybe your life is a total hell since your firing (which there seems to be little information about) and you really want to stick it to them, you should ask for a ‘’slightly’’ less amount in the case. I mean, the Goldman family only got $30 million in a wrongful DEATH case against the most famous murderer in U.S. history. Isiah Thomas only harassed Anucha Browne Sanders for $11.5 million (which is peanuts when you consider the contracts that he traded for as Knicks GM). I don’t know all the specifics, but at some point – say… around the 30th instance of harassment – you are not a victim but possibly an enabler that is inviting more harassment out of spite. I hope you weren’t, but FIFTY SEVEN incidences? You should have filed a suit WHILE you were still employed if it was that bad.

You weren’t harassed for $225 million dollars. If they physically tortured you, press charges and have people incarcerated. If they sexually abused you, press charges and have them incarcerated. If they assaulted you or threatened you, press charges and have them arrested But to punish the sport for the actions of half-witted racists and sexists isn’t going to make you seem like a sensible and rational person that didn’t somehow earn her firing – despite the mountain of claims you present which I’m sure are all true.

All of this makes me think of one simple conclusion. Tom Hicks must have harassed the HELL out of Alex Rodriguez when he hushed him with that contract in 2000. It all makes sense now.

Pre-emptive Maneuvers
ASPCA - Pau Gasol – When did you think it was fashionable to rescue a dog with mange from the local shelter and wear it as a neck warmer?

Cut the Deck - Prince of Wands is making Sports Augury look good and Paul Pierce is making the fans of Willis Reed look even better… Me thinks that KG and PP won’t repeat last night’s performance again. It’s hard to choke on the same mouthful twice.

Meh - I'm gonna skip the hidden mention of the Original DDub tomorrow and see if he notices. I think these articles are too long for him to make sure I get him a shot out.

Media Rant
Is there anything more uncomfortable or disgusting than a TV color commentator make a slimy, subversively perverted comment about a female fan when they show random fans in the crowd?

I'm a guy, I know that most of us only use their brains to divert blood flow when their penis isn't erect, but I don't like to see/hear guys in the booth drool over girls in the stands that they happen to catch a glimpse of - not even slightly flirty remarks. Put some ice in your jock and do your damned job.

Besides, you wouldn't know what to do with her if you had the chance anyway. if you did, you wouldn't need to make the sleazy comment, you'd just go work your magic.

And did I mention that the girl was ugly in the first place? Are you wearing beer goggles while working? Or is it that you're revved up because the press box has your sex-o-meter scrambled. I think we all know how often those media types get laid.

Uggggghh. Is there anything more uncomfortable than watching a sex starved commentator make his desperate pass at an ugly girl he can't have?

No, she DOESN'T look like Kirsten Dunst. She looks like a shaved Jamie Farr.

Say something stupid about the game now!!!

WTMF Sports
Channel Manny Presents:

W.T.M.F. Sports with your host, Manny Stiles!

Brought to you by Wilson’s Home Episiotomy Kits!

"Now in “deeper cut” and “longer lasting” varieties! Wilson’s, because 10 centimeters of dilation sometimes isn’t enough!"

Reporting on Wednesday, June 11th... Manny Stiles:

MS - "Under my clothes, I am naked but first, our top story today..."

Tiger Woods loses again, gets compared to the pinnacle of obscurity instead of a large jungle cat's erection!

Ever wonder?
If Sasha Vujacic played in the WNBA…

a) would anyone notice, and

b) would last night’s performance still be the game of his life?

The Adventures of ManRays
Today's Ray of the Day is...

Gabe Gross.

In a losing effort, the Rays were downed by the Angels. Gross scored the only Rays run with a solo shot in the 8th inning to ruin a shutout bid.

Honorable Mention: James Shields – after getting roughed up in the first inning with 4 runs, he stuck it out with a complete game, his third of the year, giving up six runs (ouch!) but he’ll have plenty of time to recover with his suspension starting tomorrow.

One more against the Halos and then it’s a day off and back home to start round two of the interleague games. Bring on those second place, in-state “rival” Marlins.

The Battle of the Fish 2008!!!

Still just a game back of the Red Sox, who face the Reds in their next series… (sometimes I think the schedule isn’t fair)

Go Rays!

10
1 – Terry Glenn 2 - Adrian Beltre 3 - Judy Johnson 4 - Sasha Vujacic 5 - Tracy McGrady 6 - Lynn Dickey 7 - Dana Eveland 8 - Andrea Bargnani 9 - Shelley Duncan 10 – Rosey Grier

A Picture is worth 1000 folded franchises
You have to wonder if the last Major Pro Sports team in North America to fold - the NHL's Cleveland Barons (1976-1978 R.I.P.) - who had their remaining players merge with the Minnesota North Stars had their logo to blame?

http://www.hockeyforum.com/photopost/data/2/1918_CLEVELAND_BARONS_LOGO_2.jpg

Poor Cleveland... Maybe the Cuyahoga River actually lit itself on fire?

Dr. Commento Answers the Questions
ATQ – Today’s question comes from Falcon, who wonders:

“What do I win”

A free trip to your local post office to inform them that you are indeed returning the favor for all their hard work and making them proud! (bullet proof vest not included)

Strike a Prose
(an oldy but goodie)

Ode to a Day of Flight

Sparkling Moon, I know it's there  The water, the water is everywhere Thunderstorms attacking Skyscrapers sky scraping All the while the guy next to me is sleeping

All the cool stuff's  On the other side today

Crammed in, packed in a sardine can Probably busted up whatever's in my bag All I want is somewhere to stretch my back All of this in exchange for trail mix and a chance to piss in Illinois?