Article:Top 13: Ways to get your friends to watch sports

It is football season. A time for men (and some women) across this fair land to join together both days during the conventional weekend to watch men in shoulder pads collide with other men in shoulder pads. It is also a time, however, for friendships to either blossom or wilt.

Why is this? Because of the games. Some guys just don’t like sports. That is good and all, but what about the guys that you don’t see because you are too tired during the week, and are holed up in your football sanctuary all weekend?

That is why I am giving you:

13. Food
The old axiom stands true: “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” Why can’t this be used for your buddies? Tell your friend that you will have his favorite food at your place if he wants to drop by. Make sure you have a lot, though, so he doesn’t get bored and take off. The only exception to this is pasta salad; under no circumstances are you to make any sort of salad that does not consist of potatoes or refried beans.

12. Make it not BYOB
This is similar to food, because not many men I know are not fans of a little bit of drinking. The same rules stand as well: let him know you will have his favorite pilsner, lite or hefeweizen. No way will you stock your fridge with anything that has the words “Bartells”, “James” or “Zima” in it.

11. Tell him you are taking him to a kegger
How do you get your dog to the vet? You grab the leash, the ball and tell him you are going to the park. Your friends are the same: naïve and quick to forgive. Tell him that you got invited to this awesome kegger and you need him to go. Tell him you will be his “wingman” if needed. If he asks why it is being held at 10AM on a Sunday, just tell him to shut up, because you are buying his cup. When you get to the “party”, he will have no way of getting home and be forced to watch whichever grid-iron slug fest is on the tube.

10. Explain that several notions of Physics are used in each game…then punch him
Maybe your friend is a college student or even just a nerd who likes to talk shop. Physics is usually the forte of these guys, and you can discuss how the ball added to the air friction makes the ball spiral and travel greater distances. Remember this, though, you will NOT win these discussions due to the fact that he is invariably smarter then you. That is when the second part comes in; punch him. There is nothing manlier then punching and it should get him in the mood for a game. Just remember, face shots will work negatively as blood ends parties.

9. Make fun of their sexuality
No man likes to be questioned about which team he plays for, and that isn’t necessarily good or bad, but it will play into your hands for this to work. You may get a bit of resistence with answers like: “You question my sexuality, but you are the one watching men in tight outfits slap each other on the butt.” If this happens, see the answer to number 10.

8. Change the channel when they are in the bathroom
You are at a buddy’s watching “Mythbusters” and you decide that it is time to check the score for the big game. What do you do? It is his TV and you can’t exactly just change it…oh, but you can. Wait until he gets up. If he needs a beverage ask him to grab you one as well, so you will have that split-second more to figure out his remote. The safest is the bathroom break, which is when he will most likely not hear you fumbling with buttons. When he gets back, just tell him you wanted to see the score. If you are lucky he will be a good host and leave the channel there. If he is a terrible host you can call him on it and walk out.

7. Hire Lou Holtz
This may cost a pretty penny, but when you need to motivate someone there is no one better then this speech impaired southerner. Don’t know who he is? Watch ESPN on College Game Day and you will hear how great he is at turning around fortunes. Yes, he lisps his own name, but there is nothing more motivational then a half-time speech, and he is the best.

6. Cheerleaders/Women/Janet Jackson’s Breasts
What man does not love the cheerleader shots that the directors of these events give us? The low angle shots that make the women look taller and leave certain things to your imagination. This also works by saying that there will be ladies at the party where the game is being watched. True, most of them will be taken and the rest may play themselves, but he won’t know that until it is too late. If none of this works remind him of the Janet Jackson half-time show. You get extra-super-bonus points if you had told him about the “wardrobe malfunction” before it happened. If you called it, he will listen to your advice for the rest of time.

5. Explain the “Tuck Rule”
A lot of people will argue if this is good or bad for the league. The only thing you need to know is that he will not have any idea what you are talking about, and when you come off as an expert of anything he will follow you around like a lap dog.

4. Show him a few “illegal procedure” motions; for example: “Illegal Forward Pass”
Ask a man what his favorite dance is and he will almost always say “the robot”. This works in your favor, for most of penalty movements in the NFL look like something from an old Hip-Hop video. Especially the “Illegal Forward Pass” which takes place when the Quarterback throws the pass after he has crossed the line-of-scrimmage. If he isn’t excited to watch the game in hopes of seeing Mike Carey “pop-and-lock” then he is a lost cause.

3. Tell funny stories about “that time we were at a game, and there was this guy…”
Anyone who has ever been to a football game has a story. Like mine where there was this drunk-girl four rows up who fell and came all the way down to me, spilling the remains of her beer all over me and the guy in front of me. The stories of watching the eight cops running up a nearby aisle and arresting a fat gfuy who was trying to fight a 12-year-old kid wearing the opponent’s jersey. These are stories that intrigue people and make them interested in watching. If your friend doesn’t want to see something that usually has to do with a drunk being an idiot, then he is not truly human.

2. Show him a highlight reel of the following: “The Ice Bowl”, “The Immaculate Reception”, “The Hail Mary”, “The Band is on the Field”, “The Music City Miracle”, “The Catch”, “The Drive”
If, after watching these, your friend is not covered in goose bumps, he is a lost cause and no friend of yours.

1. Explain that Sports have something to do with a ball
As we have learned, the easiest way to get someone to watch something is to get them to be intrigued, and this may be one of the easiest ways to do that. When you tell him that it is not a sport unless a ball is present, he will invariably say: “What about hockey? That is a sport and they use a puck.” Semantics aside, this will give you an opening to start a discussion about sports, which you can end with a simple: “Why don’t we watch this game and you can decide.” If your argument is shot down after one game you have the right to call for a rematch, and just like in comedy, three times should do the trick. If after three games this guy - your “friend” - has no interest in watching sports with you and he is never going to.

There you have it. If these steps don't work, it may be time for you to get some new friends.