Article:The Toilet Bowl: Presented by WhatIfSports.com and Budweiser: King of Beers

When I read Alanschech’s article on the “Dream Bowl”, where he pitted all the Super Bowl winners in a tournament against each other, I realized what had to be done. I finally understood the meaning of my mission. That mission was to figure out who IS the worst team in football history. I decided to only go as far back as the Super Bowl era (1966) because I do have a life and I wanted to still be able to enjoy that life rather than spend all my time on WhatIf.

My method for choosing teams was to go through the standings of each of the 42 years and pick out every team with only two or fewer wins. The only exceptions were teams with two wins and a tie, or two win teams from the strike-shortened 1982 season (I did take a one-win and no-win team from that year). It just happened to work out that I had an even 50 teams in my tournament.

I seeded the teams 1-50 with the worst teams getting the top seeds (congratulations to the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers!). Now in order to move on in the tournament, a team had to lose its WhatIf simulation. The winner was out.

So I gave the top 14 teams a bye from the Wild Card round, and matched up the others. The top seeds were awarded away field disadvantage, so as to give them a slightly better chance of losing (which, of course is the goal of the Toilet Bowl). After the other 36 teams turned into 18 pathetic losing teams, we had a nice even 32 team tournament, and I’m sure you can figure how it worked from there. So, without further ado, I hope you enjoy the Toilet Bowl, presented by WhatIfSports and brought to you in part by the good people at ArmChair GM: All Sports, All You.

Your original Frightful Fifty


 * 1) 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-14
 * 2) 1982 Baltimore Colts 0-8-1
 * 3) 2007 Miami Dolphins 1-15
 * 4) 2001 Carolina Panthers 1-15
 * 5) 2000 San Diego Chargers 1-15
 * 6) 1996 New York Jets 1-15
 * 7) 1991 Indianapolis Colts 1-15
 * 8) 1990 New England Patriots 1-15
 * 9) 1989 Dallas Cowboys 1-15
 * 10) 1973 Houston Oilers 1-13
 * 11) 1972 Houston Oilers 1-13
 * 12) 1971 Buffalo Bills 1-13
 * 13) 1969 Pittsburgh Steelers 1-13
 * 14) 1969 Chicago Bears 1-13
 * 15) 1982 Houston Oilers 1-8
 * 16) 1968 Buffalo Bills (AFL) 1-12-1
 * 17) 1967 Atlanta Falcons 1-12-1
 * 18) 1966 New York Giants 1-12-1
 * 19) 2006 Oakland Raiders 2-14
 * 20) 2005 Houston Texans 2-14
 * 21) 2004 San Francisco 49ers 2-14
 * 22) 2002 Cincinnati Bengals 2-14
 * 23) 2001 Detroit Lions 2-14
 * 24) 1999 Cleveland Browns 2-14
 * 25) 1994 Houston Oilers 2-14
 * 26) 1992 New England Patriots 2-14
 * 27) 1992 Seattle Seahawks 2-14
 * 28) 1986 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 2-14
 * 29) 1985 Buffalo Bills 2-14
 * 30) 1985 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 2-14
 * 31) 1984 Buffalo Bills 2-14
 * 32) 1983 Houston Oilers 2-14
 * 33) 1983 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 2-14
 * 34) 1981 Baltimore Colts 2-14
 * 35) 1981 New England Patriots 2-14
 * 36) 1980 New Orleans Saints 2-14
 * 37) 1979 Detroit Lions 2-14
 * 38) 1979 San Francisco 49ers 2-14
 * 39) 1978 San Francisco 49ers 2-14
 * 40) 1977 Kansas City Chiefs 2-12
 * 41) 1977 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 2-12
 * 42) 1976 Buffalo Bills 2-12
 * 43) 1976 Seattle Seahawks 2-12
 * 44) 1975 San Diego Chargers 2-12
 * 45) 1975 New Orleans Saints 2-12
 * 46) 1974 Baltimore Colts 2-12
 * 47) 1974 New York Giants 2-12
 * 48) 1970 Boston Patriots 2-12
 * 49) 1968 Philadelphia Eagles 2-12
 * 50) 1968 Atlanta Falcons 2-12

Wild Card Round

15 vs 50 – ‘82 Oilers - 17, ‘68 Falcons- 10

16 vs 49 – ‘68 Bills- 13, ‘68 Eagles - 27

17 vs 48 – ‘67 Falcons- 7, ‘70 Patriots - 9

18 vs 47 – ‘66 Giants- 28, ‘74 Giants - 34

19 vs 46 – ‘06 Raiders- 0, ‘74 Colts - 6

20 vs 45 – ‘05 Texans - 22, ‘75 Saints- 7

21 vs 44 – ‘04 49ers - 27, ‘75 Chargers- 10

22 vs 43 – ‘02 Bengals - 34, ‘76 Seahawks- 23

23 vs 42 – ‘01 Lions - 41, ‘76 Bills- 23

24 vs 41 – ‘99 Browns- 6, ‘77 Buccaneers - 10

25 vs 40 – ‘94 Oilers - 37, ‘77 Chiefs- 10

26 vs 39 – ‘92 Patriots - 33, ‘78 49ers- 3

27 vs 38 – ‘92 Seahawks - 21, ’79 49ers- 16

28 vs 37 – ’86 Buccaneers - 32, ’79 Lions- 31

29 vs 36 – ’85 Bills- 17, ’80 Saints - 27

30 vs 35 – ’85 Buccaneers- 17, ’81 Patriots - 26

31 vs 34 – ’84 Bills - 33, ’81 Colts- 27

32 vs 33 – ’83 Oilers - 14, ’83 Buccaneers- 9

Remaining Teams:


 * 1) 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 0-14
 * 2) 1982 Baltimore Colts 0-8-1
 * 3) 2007 Miami Dolphins 1-15
 * 4) 2001 Carolina Panthers 1-15
 * 5) 2000 San Diego Chargers 1-15
 * 6) 1996 New York Jets 1-15
 * 7) 1991 Indianapolis Colts 1-15
 * 8) 1990 New England Patriots 1-15
 * 9) 1989 Dallas Cowboys 1-15
 * 10) 1973 Houston Oilers 1-13
 * 11) 1972 Houston Oilers 1-13
 * 12) 1971 Buffalo Bills 1-13
 * 13) 1969 Pittsburgh Steelers 1-13
 * 14) 1969 Chicago Bears 1-13
 * 15) 1968 Buffalo Bills (AFL) 1-12-1
 * 16) 1967 Atlanta Falcons 1-12-1
 * 17) 1966 New York Giants 1-12-1
 * 18) 2006 Oakland Raiders 2-14
 * 19) 1999 Cleveland Browns 2-14
 * 20) 1985 Buffalo Bills 2-14
 * 21) 1985 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 2-14
 * 22) 1983 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 2-14
 * 23) 1981 Baltimore Colts 2-14
 * 24) 1979 Detroit Lions 2-14
 * 25) 1979 San Francisco 49ers 2-14
 * 26) 1978 San Francisco 49ers 2-14
 * 27) 1977 Kansas City Chiefs 2-12
 * 28) 1976 Buffalo Bills 2-12
 * 29) 1976 Seattle Seahawks 2-12
 * 30) 1975 San Diego Chargers 2-12
 * 31) 1975 New Orleans Saints 2-12
 * 32) 1968 Atlanta Falcons 2-12

Round 2

1 vs 32 – ’76 Buccaneers - 20, ’68 Falcons- 17

2 vs 31 – ’82 Colts- 17, ’75 Saints - 27

3 vs 30 – ’07 Dolphins - 39, ’75 Chargers- 35

4 vs 29 – ’01 Panthers - 34, ’76 Seahawks- 31

5 vs 28 – ’00 Chargers - 24, ’76 Bills- 15

6 vs 27 – ’96 Jets - 27, ’77 Chiefs- 14

7 vs 26 – ’91 Colts- 20, ’78 49ers - 31

8 vs 25 – ’90 Patriots- 21, ’79 49ers - 33

9 vs 24 – ’89 Cowboys- 14, ’79 Lions - 21

10 vs 23 – ’73 Oilers - 28, ’81 Colts- 25

11 vs 22 – ’72 Oilers- 10, ’83 Buccaneers - 34

12 vs 21 – ’71 Bills- 14, ’85 Buccaneers - 35

13 vs 20 – ’69 Steelers- 6, ’85 Bills - 20

14 vs 19 – ’69 Bears- 7, ’99 Browns - 20

15 vs 18 – ’68 Bills- 16, ’06 Raiders - 19

16 vs 17 – ’67 Falcons - 14, ’66 Giants- 11

Remaining Teams:


 * 1) 1982 Baltimore Colts 0-8-1
 * 2) 1991 Indianapolis Colts 1-15
 * 3) 1990 New England Patriots 1-15
 * 4) 1989 Dallas Cowboys 1-15
 * 5) 1972 Houston Oilers 1-13
 * 6) 1971 Buffalo Bills 1-13
 * 7) 1969 Pittsburgh Steelers 1-13
 * 8) 1969 Chicago Bears 1-13
 * 9) 1968 Buffalo Bills (AFL) 1-12-1
 * 10) 1966 New York Giants 1-12-1
 * 11) 1981 Baltimore Colts 2-14
 * 12) 1977 Kansas City Chiefs 2-12
 * 13) 1976 Buffalo Bills 2-12
 * 14) 1976 Seattle Seahawks 2-12
 * 15) 1975 San Diego Chargers 2-12
 * 16) 1968 Atlanta Falcons 2-12

Sour Sixteen

1 vs 16 – ’82 Colts- 14, ’68 Falcons - 17

2 vs 15 – ’91 Colts- 24, ’75 Chargers - 27

3 vs 14 – ’90 Patriots- 14, ’76 Seahawks - 31

4 vs 13 – ’89 Cowboys - 24, ’76 Bills- 23

5 vs 12 – ’72 Oilers- 16, ’77 Chiefs - 35

6 vs 11 – ’71 Bills - 42, ’81 Colts- 31

7 vs 10 – ’69 Steelers - 14, ’66 Giants- 10

8 vs 9 – ’69 Bears - 17, ’68 Bills- 0

Remaining Teams:


 * 1) 1982 Baltimore Colts 0-8-1
 * 2) 1991 Indianapolis Colts 1-15
 * 3) 1990 New England Patriots 1-15
 * 4) 1972 Houston Oilers 1-13
 * 5) 1968 Buffalo Bills (AFL) 1-12-1
 * 6) 1966 New York Giants 1-12-1
 * 7) 1981 Baltimore Colts 2-14
 * 8) 1976 Buffalo Bills 2-12

Awful Eight

1 vs 8 – ’82 Colts - 17, ’76 Bills- 16

2 vs 7 – ’91 Colts - 20, ’81 Colts- 0

3 vs 6 – ’90 Patriots - 13, ’66 Giants- 7

4 vs 5 – ’72 Oilers- 16, ’68 Bills - 21

Remaining Teams:


 * 1) 1972 Houston Oilers 1-13
 * 2) 1966 New York Giants 1-12-1
 * 3) 1981 Baltimore Colts 2-14
 * 4) 1976 Buffalo Bills 2-12

Foul Four

1 vs 4 – ’72 Oilers- 3, ’76 Bills - 29

2 vs 3 – ’66 Giants- 20, ’81 Colts - 34

Remaining Teams:


 * 1) 1972 Houston Oilers 1-13 (Originally #11 seed)
 * 2) 1966 New York Giants 1-12-1 (Originally #18 seed)

The Toilet Bowl

1 vs 2 – ’72 Oilers - 27, ’66 Giants- 20

The Toilet Bowl got off to a start that surprised nobody, as 4 straight punts summed up the first quarter. Finally, in the second quarter, Skip “Butler’s 50 yd. field goal hooks through the uprights” to put Houston on the board first. After a third New York punt, Houston put together another drive, but punched this one in the end zone to make the score 10-0. Finally New York got on the board with 1:50 left in the first half thanks to an Allen Jacobs 37 yard touchdown run. Naturally, the extra point was missed. The Giants were ready to head into the locker room only down 4, but Houston came out firing trying to expand their lead. However, since they suck, the Oilers instead came up with a three-and-out, and were forced to punt with 1:21 still left on the clock. New York took advantage of the gift and scored another touchdown before the half was over making the score 13-10, New York at the half.

Both teams looked uninspired in their opening drives of the second half as the 12 fans in the stands and the 38 viewers at home watched back to back punts. Finally New York got back in the game on their next possession, scoring another touchdown and expanding their lead to 20-10. It looked like the Oilers were destined to be the worst team in history as the third quarter sputtered to a close, but they came out defiantly in the 4 th looking to avoid that title. They scored a touchdown on the back of running back Fred Willis, then on the first Giants play after the kickoff, Bob Atkins picked off an Earl Morrall pass, which led to another Willis touchdown. The Oilers now led the game 24-20. New York was forced to punt on their next drive, and Houston scored again; this time a field goal, making the game 27-20. However, New York wasn’t quite done yet. They impressively drove the ball down to the Houston 16 with 52 seconds left. They ran up the middle for a yard, making it 2 nd and 9 on the 15. New York called a time out; 48 seconds left. Next play Morrall dropped back, saw his open receiver streaking across the end zone, fired, and the ball was promptly batted down at the line of scrimmage. On third down, Morrall overthrew his receiver in the end zone, bringing up the critical fourth down. Morrall found his open man again, this time it was Homer Jones. It was a perfect throw, a wide open receiver, the ball got past the line of scrimmage, and Homer Jones… dropped the ball. Game over. Oilers win. Giants become the worst team in football history. Folks, I couldn’t have written a better ending for the Toilet Bowl myself.

Worst Team in History:

1966 New York Giants 1-12-1

So there you have it. We went waaay back to find the worst team in history, and naturally it came out be the New York Football Giants, a team who apparently just has a knack for losing Bowl games. Hmm…

Anyway, I was personally hoping to see a more recent team that people could remember come away with the title, just so we could all say, “Wow they really did suck, and I remember, cuz I was there (Berman accent)”. But I only call ‘em as I see ‘em, and WhatIf says that the worst team of all time was the 1966 Giants. Just imagine how the Washington Redskins must feel, being the only team in history to actually lose to the ’66 Giants… how embarrassing.

Football fans, you can now go in peace knowing that there is some hope for your NFL franchise (if you’re not a Giants fan). After all, at least you don’t root for the worst team of all time.