Article:The Real Sporting World: The Pilot Episode

An unseen person begins narrating a camera shot of a medium sized mansion. The voice is high-pitched, almost as if it just inhaled an entire helium balloon.

Unknown voice: “Welcome to the location of the next great reality show! Seven of our finest athletes and one motivational male cheerleader are currently on their way to this very house. It is here that they will discover that they’ll be spending the next eight weeks together, under this very roof!”

The camera swoops down and pushes through the front doors, still aimed a bit high.

Unknown voice: “What kind of antics will they pull? How will they gel? Will they get pissed when they discover that they’ll be locked in here for the next eight weeks?”

The camera begins moving downward, slowly revealing someone standing in the middle of the entrance hall. Slowly but surely, it’s finally revealed… it’s Steely McBeam!



Steely McBeam: “Welcome to the Real Sporting World! I’m your host, Steely McBeam. You probably remember me as the mascot for the Steelers who has the most retarded nickname in the history of mascots. Either that, or you know me as the mascot who looks like the gay construction guy from the Village People. No matter, I am your host for this groundbreaking new reality show! Enough about me though, let’s take a look at the athletes who are currently en route to the house!”

The camera cuts away, showing a helicopter racing through the air. It then cuts inside, revealing a buckled Roger Clemens and Mark Madsen. Madsen looks like a kid in candy store, while Clemens looks just plain bullshit.

Madsen: “Hey Rocket! Isn’t this awesome? WOO! UP TOP!”

Clemens looks at Madsen’s outstretched hand in disgust.

Clemens: “First off, do NOT call me Rocket! Secondly, why are you with me? Who are you?”

Madsen’s jaw drops, he clearly doesn’t believe what he just heard.

Madsen: “Uhh, Mark ‘The Mad Dog’ Madsen? Duh, Rocket!”

As the camera cuts away Clemens is clenching his jaw, a vein throbbing in his temple.

The next shot is inside of what looks to be a cab. Inside are Manny Ramirez, who’s grinning from ear to ear and Peyton Manning, who’s thoughtfully wondering why there’s another athlete joining him on his show.

Manny: “I see you ALL da time on da T.V. mang!”

Peyton: “I get around. Not to mention, I excel in everything that I do. I'm presume you've also seen me command the football field as well?”

Manny starts laughing, pointing out the window at nothing in particular. A squirrel perhaps? Whatever it is, he doesn't seem to be too interested in Peyton's drivel.

Peyton: “What’s so funny?”

Manny: “That tree! It be VERRY funny! Look!”

He claps Peyton on the shoulder, grinning and looking very thrilled with the entire situation. Peyton puts his hand in his palm, leaning it against the window.

The camera cuts away again, this time revealing a horse drawn carriage. Yes, that’s right. Being pulled in full view are a very uncomfortable looking Kobe Bryant and LaDainian Tomlinson.

Kobe: “Uhh, yeah this is pretty weird.” L.T.: “Yeah, I was expecting something a little more classy than this..”

Kobe looks down at the helmet in LaDainian’s lap.

Kobe: “Why do you have your helmet?”

L.T. looks down and gives an aw shucks shrug.

L.T.: “I dunno, I figured I’d bring it case the producers want a shot of me running around with it on. You know, carrying a football and pretending to stiff arm some people?”

He looks over at Kobe who doubles over laughing. He clearly thought it was funny but he appears to be trying to sell it a tad too hard.

L.T.: “What are you laughing at? I was serious!”

Kobe stops laughing, not quite sure what to do or say. He sticks out his tongue and shrugs.

L.T.: “Why are you sticking out your tongue?”

He considers the question for a minute.

Kobe: “Just a bad habit I guess. I do it whenever I’m in the mood for competition, you know? Who knows what we’ll be doing on this show!”

Kobe rubs his hands together in anticipation, tongue still hanging out of his mouth. L.T. looks down at his helmet than back at Kobe.

L.T.: “That’s really weird, man.”

The camera cuts away, showing a visage of a house that looks a lot like the one at the beginning of the show. It swoops down the street, zooming in for a shot of two men attempting to ride a tandem bicycle. It’s Tom Brady and Alex Rodriguez and they aren’t making much progress.

Tom Brady: “This sucks! Let’s just walk the rest of the way..”

A-Rod: “NO WAY! I don’t give up that easily, Tom. Maybe you do, but I don’t! I give it my all!”

Tom Brady: “Hey, how many championships do you have again?”

A-Rod: “Yeah, whatever. At least I’m not a dumb ass. I mean come on man, I actually play for the Yankees and even I know that you of all people shouldn’t be wearing a Yankees hat!”

Tom gets off the tandem bike and stares at A-Rod, shaking his head.

Tom Brady: “I like the Yankees, Alex. Although, I'm finding it awfully hard to like you right now.”

A-Rod: “Yeah and I’ve got ice water running through my veins. Good one, Tom.”

The camera pans away as the two keep pushing towards the house. Suddenly the helicopter, cab and horse drawn carriage can be seen arriving at the house, just ahead of the bicycle boys. Host Steely McBeam’s annoying, high pitched voice cuts in, narrating over the scene.

Steely McBeam: “And so our seven athletes and male cheerleader arrive at their new home. None of them knew they would be sharing the spotlight, never mind sharing it with other athletes. How badly will their egos be bruised? What are they going to do when they see me, Steely McBeam, welcoming them to the house? Anyway... be sure to tune in next week to see just what happens on the athletes first day in the house! Tension! Comedy! Drama! This is Steely McBeam signing off until next time. Don't just keep it real, keep it sporting real!"