Article:Dog from "Air Bud" films indicted in steroid scandal

Beverly Hills, CA - I.M.D.B.’s plot analysis for the Disney Film Air Bud: Golden Receiver is as simple as the “Story of a golden retriever who can play football,” however today’s allegations could change that plot line forever.

A new athlete was indicted today for the alleged use of Human Growth Hormone, as former Maine Senator and Disney Chairman George Mitchell added professional athlete and former employee Buddy the Dog AKA “Air Bud” to the growing list of athletes under investigation for using performance enhancing drugs to meet the ever evolving demand for bigger faster and stronger athletes in today’s world of professional sports.

When tried to reach for comment yesterday, Bud could not be reached. Some say it’s because he wants to put his sordid past behind him while others say it’s because he has no opposable thumb and that makes it difficult for him to answer a touch tone telephone. In any case, when Bud or Buddy (to those close to him) was first questioned on a walk in Beverly Hills this morning, he seemingly ignored the barrage of reporters questions and treated the walk as if it were any normal day. When asked by a reporter from Fox News if he felt he had tainted the sports of basketball, baseball, volleyball football and soccer, Bud stared down the reporter barked loudly and then promptly defecated on his shoes.

Many remember Bud as Barbara Walters 2nd most fascinating animal of 2000 after his athletically dazzling performance in his second film endeavor Air Bud Golden Receiver. He was honored along with animal stars Beethoven, Dr. Zeus and Sigfried and Roy’s white Bengal tiger (it’s not the one your thinking of).

A source close to Bud who wanted to remain anonymous was reported to have helped Bud gain access to performance enhancing drugs by introducing his client to BALCO President Victor Conte, but confesses that he never thought things would escalate to the level that they did.

“Come on, they wanted bud to do all his own stunts. We had an agreement that it wouldn’t get out of hand, but when the money started rolling in and the pressure really started to build…well, let’s just say that shaking paws just doesn’t mean what is used to in Hollywood.”

As a father of an entire puppy soccer team (footy for all who aren’t yanks) the question begs if Bud could have possibly tainted the entire canine professional soccer community? however, when questioned by reporters about his feelings on the alleged scandal Barry Bonds said he was disgusted and when told about the possibility the canine clear being administered to a group of young pups he reportedly had this to say:

“As far as I’m concerned giving children Human Growth Hormone to children or dogs is bad. I am against that. I know from personal experience that sort of high is bad on the body and can really wear on a person’s nerves, so I can’t imagine the havoc it would wreak on a 30 lbs golden retriever! And what the hell is a soccer? Is that some kind of made up sport? I’m not too familiar, so it must be one of those European sports like that croquet or that pansy ass baseball they play in England…hold on, did I just admit to using steroids…”

Some say that the death of dear friend and esteemed animal actor Benji is what sent bud over the edge. Others claim that the strain of always being in the public eye, trying to raise 10 puppies and all the while trying to stay in peak athletic condition was just to much for one dog to handle.

Bud’s former manager was angry when questioned on the scandal and chastised the media for being overbearing. “Oh sure blame my client for being an animal that wants to perform at his highest level for his millions of adoring fans. Go ahead and blame him for wanting to give an audience their money’s worth! But don’t sit here and judge Buddy because my client had to be at peak athletic condition. He had to jump over an entire f@#%ing football team in ONE TAKE! Can you imagine the strain that puts on a dog‘s body!?! No, you can’t, so why doesn’t every body just back off and go interview those dogs from Mike Vicks house, huh? People paid 8.50 to see Rob Schneider pretend to be an animal for an hour and a half. My client is a better athlete and a better actor than Rob Schneider. So I ask you, who’s the real criminal here?”

When reporters questioned Atlanta Falcon’s quarterback Mike Vick if he had ever administered performance enhancing drugs to his dogs at Bad Newz Kennels, Vick said “I don’t know, I never been dog fighting in my life. You gonna have to ask Ron Mexico about that sh**.”

While it is unclear whether these allegations will hold up under baseball’s new collective bargaining agreement, a statement released by Bud’s attorney S.L. Goldman implied his client didn’t do so much as pee on a carpet during the filming of the 5 picture franchise. Goldman claimed that the situation was a large misunderstanding and his client was innocent of all charges.

However, this afternoon the case turned ugly when Bud was being questioned by investigators at his plush three story dog house in Beverly Hills when suddenly things turned violent as Bud lunged at an officer, growled viciously at a reporter from Cat Fancy Magazine and quickly escaped the scene when he lept over a 9 foot electrical fence in just one bound, a sad ending to a tragic turn of events. After a two hour search Animal Rescuers were finally able to apprehend the suspect by “trank gunning the hell” out of the former actor while he was urinating on a fire hydrant just a few blocks from his current residence which was ironically the same way Robert Downey Jr. was arrested on drug charges back in 1999.

For a dog who lept into our hearts as quickly as he lept over a 9 foot retaining fence, we all wish Bud a speedy and full recovery. However, it looks to be another sad end to a once pristine Hollywood career.