Article:20080609 Manny Stiles' Sportsune Cookie

Intro:

Welcome to Manny Stiles' Daily Column:

"Sportune Cookie" - Do not read this column backwards into a mirror.



Whenever the door of opportunity closes, a window of whining opens
Terry Porter is the new coach of the Phoenix Suns.

I think my tenure as a Suns fan is closing faster than their Championship window.

Look, I'll always love Amare Stoudemire as a player. STAT is the man.

I'll always be thankful and gracious to Steve Nash for providing me with the most enjoyable to watch basketball of my life (or at least so far)

If Shaquille O'Neal doesn't make you smile, you're dead inside.

But Suns' owner Robert Sarver and GM/Lackey Steve Kerr have come VERY CLOSE to completing the "Let's rid this Stiles guy from our fanbase" maneuver.

This is [http://www.armchairgm.com/My_Favorite_Team_is_Trying_Hard_to_Make_Me_Find_a_New_Favorite_Team. not a new development]. In fact, it's been brewing ever since Sarver dethroned Mike D'Antoni from his GM position and slapped his good buddy/minority owner Steve "Look at me, I'm a Luckysummanabitch with 5 rings" Kerr into the role.

I can't stand needless cheapness. I hate that they traded away so many decent draft picks that could help NOW and have turned what was once one of the youngest franchises into one of the oldest all because they didn't want to pay the luxury tax. I hate that they gave away players they NEEDED AND draft picks for NOTHING! And that fear of the luxury tax may have spared the bottom line a tidier profit, but it also prevented the Championship parade in Copper Square.

And I don't care how good a coach Porter may or may not be, I don't like it. Pseudo-Nepotism is not usually a key to success - especially if your name isn't "Colangelo". Hiring your buddy is a sure way to tighten your slimy grip on what was once a model, classy franchise when you have a tight, slime about you.

I don't see how Terry Porter is going to inspire this team and it's veterans who aren't going to be impressed with what he has to say. Maybe there's a deeper plan, but hiring Porter because he fit the neccessary criteria they were looking for - someone who had prior coaching experience - is a cop out.

I also have to wonder why Detroit didn't promote him if he's such a good coach.

So yeah, there is gonna be skepticism until I see it work. And my thoughts on spending my future fanship with this team are going to peering skeptically at what this ownership does in the draft. If they trade away a first rounder FOR THE FOURTH YEAR IN A ROW, I will puke until my pancreas pops out, shove it back in and puke it out again.

The ball is in your court, Mr. Sarver... but not because you paid for it, cheapskate.

Hmmm...
Did horseracing REALLY need a Triple Crown winner?

I don't think so. Poo-poo all you want about Big Brown, but let's face it, the horse wasn't REALLY that good. He won two races against a watered down field and it's toughest competition coming into Belmont was a filly (who subsequently was put down at the Derby and eliminated from being Big Brown's toughest competition)!!! And then his second best competitor, Casino Drive was scratched, too.

It almost seemed like the third leg of the Triple Crown was in for a fix - you know, the kind of fix a (supposedly) flailing sport needed after the Barbaro-Eight Belles Daily Double - but instead, the miraculous happened.

The Long Shot. Wait... the LONGEST shot won the race.

HOW THE HELL IS THAT NOT THE BIG STORY???

Seriously. Where are the stories about the winner?

All the stories are about the cracked hoof (not a real issue), the weather (all the horses had to deal with the same heat), all these excuses and they are missing the best story of all!

If Big Brown would have pulled off the Triple Crown, most experts would have considered him to be the weakest Triple Crown winner ever, despite beating the biggest fields in Triple Crown winner's history.

But here we have Da'Tara (who should have been everybody's $2 bet at 38-1) which in the grand scope of things IS AN AMAZING STORY!

Come on people, screw your heads on right.

Da'Tara is the Bad News Bears. He's the Little Giants. He's the Mighty Ducks. He's Hoosiers. He's Major League and Teen Wolf wrapped into one! He's every crappy, sappy Hollywood produced Sports movie ever. He is Seabiscuit, except prettier and less famous. Da'Tara is a gorgeous horse that made an ugly headline.

It should be about the ultimate underdog, not the ultimate letdown of what would have been a subpar champion.

When you see what really happened, it's a beautiful story. Embrace it.

We've waited this long, we can wait some more!

Pre-emptive Maneuvers
Before the race, I really liked Da'Tara for reasons other than he was the long shot - I always root for the long shot. But the horse was a nice looking horse and the name reminded me of Datura - one of my favorite mystical plants in the world. Plus after watching him walk out - My mom always says you can tell which horse is gonna win by it's demeanor walking to the gate (which is a good rule of thumb except that it sucks if you're betting since the windows are closed first - Da'Tara just looked confident and relaxed; whereas Big Brown got his nerves twisted when the crowd lit up. It's tough being a severe favorite AND a horse these days...

Over/Under on the next NFL player arrest? Does 3 days sound about right?

Is ESPN's top headlines purposely that stupid and anti-witty or was it like that all the time and I just stopped pretending to not notice?

Dominik Hasek goes out a winner... Didn't he do this once before?

So far, so good for Sports Augury. But we won't count our goat guts until they are fully splayed.

One of these days, when I get rich again I'm gonna pay someone to go through all my articles and add categories for every proper noun in each article.

I guess I'm an oldhead because I can remember back to the days when AGM LB was just a cocky rookie trying to justify his lofty draft slot.

Is ArmchairGM ready for some fishing articles??? Because I think I'm ready to throw some fish tales down.

Am I the only person around here who thinks the WNBA really is entertaining, or am I the only person who loves the game of basketball that much?

What's the over under on Chipper Jones' batting average at the end of the season (assuming he plays the whole season)? .325???

What's the over/under on Andruw Jones' batting average at the end of the season? +40 over his weight?? Or is that too generous?

And does anyone else think there's a correlation between the two Jones' seasons??

Media Rant
Sometimes I like to think that firing a crappy journalist would be a good thing. But suddenly I realize, what would people have to bitch about then?

WTMF Sports
Channel Manny Presents:

W.T.M.F. Sports with your host, Manny Stiles!

Brought to you by the fine makers of Shard Wash!

"The only eyewash fortified with 80% glass shards". Available at mid-block corner stores everywhere.

Reporting on Monday, June 9th... Manny Stiles:

MS - "Two somewhat beef-by-product patties, special transfat sauce, salmonella lettuce, cheese food product, botulism pickles, imitation onions on an artificial sesame seed bleached flour bun but first, our top story today..."

I had to read it three times to "get" it. Then I smacked myself three times for trying to "get" it in the first place.

Ever wonder?
Why do people think "The Whole Nine Yards" is a football saying? Are they really that stupid or do they just not care that they're that stupid?

The Adventures of ManRays
Today's Ray of the Day is...

B.J. Upton - 2 HR in his last two games, a nice sliding catch in a losing effort. It's nice to see Melvin Emmanuel warming up!

Honorable Mention - Evan Longoria laying out to make a beautiful catch on a foul ball squibber by Brandon Boggs. He got full extension to make the catch but he made "that" grimace on his face which is instantly recognizable to any ballplayer who has "been there"...

See... sometimes a "protective cup" does more harm than it prevents. Especially when your center of gravity flops onto that region with full force.

Way to "take one for the team", Mr. Longlorious. Now rub some dirt on it and get back out there...

I don't mind Dioner Navarro and Matt Garza squabbling yesterday. Everything I read and learned about Garza is that he is a fierce competitor. Everything I have seen and know about Navvy is that he is a bulldog and the guts of the team. It's a non-issue in my book, but it's still nice and very refreshing to have these skirmishes get noticed and aired by the general media.

The Rays are legitimate and people are finally paying attention to them - they still don't know what the hell they're talking about, but I'll take it!

The Rays have won 11 of their last 14 series. Two of the losing series were sweeps at Fenway - yeah, we gotta remedy that. (I wonder... can Sports Augury be used for evil purposes?? Nah...)

Go Rays! It's on to Anaheim and time to remind the Angels that you swept them handily not so long ago.

10
1 - John Jefferson 2 - Roy Green 3 - Ahmad Rashad 4 - Al Toon 5 - Alfred Jenkins 6 - Louis Lipps 7 - Wesley Walker 8 - Mark Duper 9 - Mike Quick 10 - Wes Chandler

A Picture is worth 1000 Dead Trees and 32 oz of Aluminum in 1974
When your career numbers compare to these glorious all-timers, one can understand why you might want to use an aluminum bat...

http://static.baseballtoaster.com/blogs/u/cardboardgods/2007/0514/0001/Bruce_Boisclair_79_1080.jpg

Sorry about the size of the pic, but LOOK! He's holding an aluminum bat!!! I wonder if he's Danish?

Dr. Commento Answers the Questions
ATQ - Friday's 10 was Two-sport stars. And yes, KD... skateboarding and snowboarding are sports. There's winners, there's losers, there's an outcome, you can bet on it = Sport.

Strike a Prose
Come on, you bastards, win!

Screaming, screaming Lungs bleeding Bouncing and jumping Heart thumping

Come on, you bastards!

Begging and pleading Hope slowly receding Flailing, fist pumping Desperately, I am stomping

''Come on, you bastards! Win!''

Oh, dear fate how you tease me so Tussling my emotions to and 'fro Taunting my will with frustration aglow Why won't you let the bastards win?

Awake but still dreaming Hopelessness now retreating It's just a slim chance, but still something I am overtaken and can feel nothing

I think these bastards might win!

The tide turns, it is fleeting Dusk of despair melts to joyous weeping It seemed like the chances were daunting Now my throat is a-lumping

''Holy Shit, the bastards DID win!